I WANT MY DADDY!

Image courtesy of saturdayeveningpost.com

There have been some new developments lately that will impact B but unfortunately, I cannot disclose them here...at least not now.  B was handling E's absence with surprising strength. He rarely cried and except for the occasional "Where's Daddy?" he continued to go about his day as usual, until yesterday.  It was the first time I left him for a play date.  I have had to leave him a couple times to go see clients since Hubs left but it was always in the home with someone watching him here.  Yesterday, he went home from school with one of his best friends.  This child's Dad frequently takes B for the afternoon to enable me to get some work or errands done.  Hubs usually picks him up in the afternoon. When I arrived to get B, I knew almost within seconds the departure wasn't going to go well.  Just seconds before he saw me, I saw him through the window smiling. HM had a container of cookies and they were sitting down to enjoy an afternoon snack.  But once he realized I was there, he collapsed into a puddle. He started sobbing, screaming and throwing his first tantrum of his life. Yes, you read that correctly. Up until yesterday, B was one of the most mild mannered children I have ever met.  He rarely had outburst and NEVER had a full fledged tantrum.  Sure, he would cry sometimes or fold his arms and inform us that he was "very Angry" but nothing like this.  He ran from me. When I tried to hold him and console him he screamed "GET AWAY FROM ME."  For a second, the air escaped my lungs. I felt my chest tighten and the familiar anxiety crept in. Many of you reading may think this is no big deal. Perhaps your child is prone to tantrums or you have seen enough of the grocery store melt downs in stranger's children that this doesn't really seem alarming. 

I was scared to death.  I know he is unique in that he has always been successful in expressing his emotions. We came up with creative ways to vent frustration. We rarely raise our voice at each other or at him so he hadn't learned to scream by example. I stared at my tiny child unable to find the words to reach him.  I took a second, set the baby carrier down and ran to him.  I knew he was hurting so bad that he would refuse my comfort at first but I had to stand firm and show him that I was going to love him through this moment.  He eventually fell into my arms and sobbed. He sobbed so hard my shoulder was soaked in moments.  He cried "I want my Daddy. I miss Daddy. Where is Daddy?"  I stroked his hair and explained to him that Daddy was working and that I missed him too and that it was O.K. to be upset.  I told him that I was here and that he wasn't alone and that Daddy would come back.  I worked him toward the front door and reached for a cookie.  He had refused HM's advances and attempts to console him with a cookie and continued to yell that he didn't want one.  I knew this was the hurt talking.

Once we made it outside, he began sobbing again. What brought this on? I can't be sure but I have a really good idea.  Children are incredibly resilient beings but they are also creatures of habit.  Have you ever picked up your child from Preschool or Sunday School and the minute they see you they dissolve into a puddle of tears?  I learned in Human Growth and Development and my Early Childhood Psychology classes about Attachment Theory.  Basically, the development of close personal relationships with our caregivers. I will spare the long drawn out didactic lesson on AT but I do believe it is what is at play here.  Basically, children form attachments to their parents and caregivers.  They have anxiety associated with separating from the caregivers and in extreme cases can develop disorders from this anxiety.  Some anxiety is normal and processing the separation is important for healthy development.  In preschoolers, often they have anxiety when the parent drops them off at school but then compensates by attaching to the teacher or caregiver.  This new relationship is essential for the child to process the anxiety of separating from the parent. So, once the parent returns, a small amount of anxiety becomes present when separating from the teacher.  It also has been said that the child then remembers the original feelings of anxiety when the parent left that morning and then cries or processes it all over again. 

I believe that B was happily playing at his friend's house prior to my arrival.  He has been processing his father's absence and not responding to any negative feelings associated with it.  When I showed up in lieu of his father today, it rocked his world.  Daddy ALWAYS picks him up from this friend's house. Why was yesterday different? Once he realized that Daddy wasn't picking him up, all the emotion he has felt the past two weeks bubbled up.

I was able to get him fully calm within 10 minutes of the initial outburst.  He looked up at the sky and commented on the gray clouds and then said goodbye to his friend. As predicted, he asked for the cookie when we got in the car.

Today, his teacher asked me if he was having trouble with E's deployment.  I told her about yesterday. She said she would continue to encourage him to use his words. She said he was definitely a different child today and super emotional.  So now I am back to the original reason for this post. There is a new development in Hubs' situation. It is going to impact B.  It was something completely unpredictable but considering the internationl climate and what my Hubs does for a living, nothing is surprising. People are often surprised by the lack of information I have on Hubs' whereabouts or his flight schedule to and from deployments.  It is a matter of National Security.  He doesn't even find out where and when he is leaving until he is handed a boarding pass.  When he arrives "in country", he can tell me his flight plan, until then I know nothing.  Friends and family are often amazed that I really don't know what Hubs does and how much of his life is a "secret" to me.  I remind them that I cannot disclose things that my clients share with me so in a way, we are even.

I just hope little B will be able to adjust soon.  I hate to see him sad.