Upon hearing the news and not hearing the sound we so desperately craved, a song began to play in my head on permanent loop. It has shown up before in my mind during times of extreme pain and grief. I am not certain but think I might have used it in this blog before or either on Whimsy's care page. The title has even more meaning as the night before our appointment, we added it to our name list. My grief is not yet here in a complete way. I know that it will come in just a few short hours. My body has not shown any signs of miscarriage. I am a vessel of denial. We experienced this type of loss before. My body just doesn't get the message and continues to grow and give me symptoms. It is hard to convince yourself you aren't anymore when you feel the same as you did last week.
Grace is a great song and it does appropriately emote for me what I cannot...yet. However, this time there is a nagging issue with one of the lines. "I've lost everything" doesn't ring true with me anymore. I am devastated. I am lost. I am hurting in a way I did not think possible but one thing that I know is that I have not lost everything. I am hoping that this small realization will be a stepping stone to turn my grief indeed to grace. My husband has taken over all the care giving of our children. He is in charge of my PICC management and makes sure I am flushed with Heparin and Saline twice daily. He hangs my fluids and gives my medication. He is so amazing. My two little ones light up my heart when they giggle or dance or say my name. My friends have sent the most wonderful messages and most importantly haven't said anything. No one has told me I SHOULD be thankful for what I have, and for that, I am thankful. I know I haven't lost everything but what we have lost immeasurable.
I leave for the hospital in 4 and a half hours. I know I should be sleeping but it is easier said than done. I don't have the words but silence wasn't comfortable anymore. Today is sweet boy's 2nd birthday. In just a few short hours, I will enter the same OR. I will try to remember when I look around to be thankful for the miracle that occurred in that room 2 years ago. I will try to find solace in celebrating his life. I will also be honest and give my grief it's rightful place. The process is hard but it has a purpose.
Grace-Kate Havenik
I'm on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold
Don't know how
but I'll get by
Slowly pull myself together
There's no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace
I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world
Come what may
I won't fade away
But I know I might change
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace
Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
I've lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace
