Today was perfect. We took your brother to VBS and then played at home. We saw so many people who loved you through the NICU at VBS when we returned at noon to retrieve your brother. We met Daddy at the Deli for lunch and then returned home for a much needed nap.
We played in the afternoon and just enjoyed being a tiny family. You laughed, showing off your new buds of teeth you are finally getting! You have perfected your own version of the Army crawl and you love to bounce your bottom to any music. I can tell by watching, you will be crawling in no time. Crawling? He's not crawling yet? Are you worried about it? Someone asked today. "Absolutely not."
I am so relieved that today was perfect. I didn't attempt to plan the day or run around in some high anxiety filled frenzy trying to do something special. I just let you be you and do what you wanted to do, which incidentally involved putting many things in your mouth. Whatever calm that came over me today, was a divine blessing. I enjoyed you. You are going to do things on your own time table.
Daddy came home and we dressed you in your brother's shirt from his first birthday. It was big on you but we thought it would make a great tradition. We ate dinner and then Daddy had me bring you in our room to play. Your Daddy cleaned the living room and surprised us by decorating and wrapping a few extra gifts. He picked up your "one' cake and a couple cupcakes for us. We helped you open your gifts and then gave you cake. Since you are almost the opposite of your brother, we were prepared for you to attack the cake. You didn't disappoint. Your brother, on his first birthday, wasn't interested in smashing or even eating his cake. I think he even cried when we put icing on his finger!
We stopped you before you got sick, gave you a bath, bottle and snuggle.
Today was perfect because it was normal. No Dr's, no fear, no worries..just love. We return to our weekly appointments tomorrow but for today, we just were Mommy, Baby, Brother and Daddy. I liked that we did low-key. No visitors, just us.
Happy Birthday Whimsy. I know it was your birthday but I feel like I got the gift.
Love you.
(I'll post a different birthday letter later. I just realized the time. I wanted to get this in before the clock struck midnight.)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.
-- Washington Irving
-- Washington Irving
The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt.
-- Max Lerner
-- Max Lerner
Anxiety
As the baby's first birthday approaches, I find myself filled with anxiety that almost takes my breath away. Even as I write this, there is a small burning sensation in my stomach and my heart beat is slightly faster. Intellectually, I understand the emotional memory and how it is tied to our physical memory. I understand that this time last year, things were so unknown. I am so happy to be able to celebrate his first birthday. After what we experienced, I know I am blessed. There are Mama's out there that are about to experience an entirely different "one year." The ones that lost their little ones while we were in the NICU.
At first, I wasn't comfortable sharing these feelings in this blog. I know at least one person who reads my entries spends a great deal of their life judging me and others. However, as I decided a long time ago, I needed to be true to this process. Many of you have emailed me and thanked me for the raw honesty I shared this time last year, so why should this be any different? I am not going to allow myself to feel guilty for having feelings. From what I have read, it is completely natural to have some anxiety or even sadness as this time approaches. The body remembers the fear, pain and sadness.
I hope that as Tuesday approaches, the joy outweighs any anxiety of what we went through. I had a Dr.'s appointment last week to check on my healing from a surgery I had a couple weeks ago. He told me that it is completely normal to have some conflicting emotions in the next few weeks. He knew to address the situation without me mentioning anything I was feeling. He said he has heard from many patients that had a child in the NICU how the birthday was filled with mixed emotions. I am still not ready to look at the photographs but I know that time will come.
For some of you, this entry may seem odd. Why should I have any feeling but happiness? I wish I knew the answer but from what I have learned in this past year unless you have had a child in the NICU, you just can't fully appreciate the experience. Birth is supposed to be a happy occasion. An emergency C-Section ending in a 6 week NICU stay followed by a 1 week PICU stay isn't an ideal way to begin a new life. I missed tons of things with the Boy Wonder, including his birthday party that I worked so hard to plan.
Several of my dear friends have given birth in the past two weeks. I found myself anxiously refreshing their pages once they were in labor, feeling so relieved once everyone made it safely. The pictures of Mommy and Baby and Daddy and Baby during the first few hours are so beautiful it is almost heart breaking. These pictures help me understand why I have sadness surrounding his birth. I didn't get to see him until he was over a day old. I never met the woman who cared for him during his first 12 hours of life. She rotated into Nursery A after that night so I never got to really talk to her. It is such an odd thing, somewhere out there is an amazing woman. A woman who sat by my baby's Giraffe Incubator and watched his every breath. She loved him and cared for him since I couldn't be there. She was an extension of myself. We wait for months and months to see our babies, to learn them. We day dream about who they will favor, how will they sound what will their smile be like. We don't prepare ourselves for having a baby that others can see and touch yet you are isolated from said child. I vaguely remember begging nurse Valerie to allow me to go see him. This happened once and I got the "good drugs." At the time I was so worried about any medication entering my breast milk and so I was prompt to refuse most things for pain but my Dr. was so wise to give me some memory scrambling feel good stuff. My best friend brought me food and stayed til late. She did this when Boy Wonder was born. She had wonderful things to tell me about the new guy she was dating. The medications helped me as it was if I didn't have a care in the world. Now, I have some guilt. It is so weird that I was making phone calls post op and talking as if everything was fine. Now, I know from talking to my Dr. that the medications they gave me were the reason I seemed fine.
I wasn't fine. I didn't get to hold him or feed him or change his diaper for a long time. This is weird for me because we roomed in when our older son was born. We kept him near us until he developed sever jaundice and had to be taken to the intermediate nursery on day 3. I remember missing him terribly and he was just down the hall. I cannot recreate Whimsy's birth. I cannot change the way things happened. I am just going to honor this experience so hopefully I can help someone else.
I remember the first time I was able to touch him. Staring at him, trying to find some resemblance to one of us, trying to connect with this sweet angel that I didn't yet know. Unlike our old son, it took several visits to really learn how to connect with him. Everything surrounding his birth was so foreign and clinical. His tubes, lines, monitors and special care were all so new to us. Yet, I remember being so amazed at how beautiful he was to us.
One of my sweet family members spent the entire summer making sure I was sane. She visited me often and brought me things. She loved me through this entire process. She didn't have too much experience with L & D apart from when her sister was born and when the Boy Wonder was born. She braved the NICU to be with me so I wouldn't have to be alone early on in the process. I will never forget watching her fear melt away once she was able to really see him. She was such a blessing to me.
As I type these things, that voice is constantly correcting me saying "Be thankful that he is here. Stop complaining." That voice isn't my own. It belongs to the person that lives inside that criticizes me for feeling things. I say to that person, "I am not complaining." I am being a real person, with conflicting and real feelings. I overheard someone say recently, "It must be awfully exhausting trying to be someone she's not." The most amazing part of this statement is that the very person spewing these words is the one person that I have watched change to suit the surroundings. So as I stated earlier, I am not going to apologize for honesty. There are many grammatical issues I would go back and change but I have decided to leave this entry unedited. I feel as if the rawness may be less reader friendly but more accurate. My words aren't flowing like they usually do but I am ok with that too!
Love one another. Thank you for all that you have done for us in the past year and 9 months. This journey has been possible because so many of our friends, our created family, have embraced us and helped us get through. We are incredibly blessed by all of you. In this moment, I think of that song from the Sound of Music "Something Good." I have an amazing husband-he not only loves me, he likes me! I know some people that never found that. I have two gorgeous children. I have the greatest support system for which a girl could ask!
"Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could. So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good."
Blessings.
At first, I wasn't comfortable sharing these feelings in this blog. I know at least one person who reads my entries spends a great deal of their life judging me and others. However, as I decided a long time ago, I needed to be true to this process. Many of you have emailed me and thanked me for the raw honesty I shared this time last year, so why should this be any different? I am not going to allow myself to feel guilty for having feelings. From what I have read, it is completely natural to have some anxiety or even sadness as this time approaches. The body remembers the fear, pain and sadness.
I hope that as Tuesday approaches, the joy outweighs any anxiety of what we went through. I had a Dr.'s appointment last week to check on my healing from a surgery I had a couple weeks ago. He told me that it is completely normal to have some conflicting emotions in the next few weeks. He knew to address the situation without me mentioning anything I was feeling. He said he has heard from many patients that had a child in the NICU how the birthday was filled with mixed emotions. I am still not ready to look at the photographs but I know that time will come.
For some of you, this entry may seem odd. Why should I have any feeling but happiness? I wish I knew the answer but from what I have learned in this past year unless you have had a child in the NICU, you just can't fully appreciate the experience. Birth is supposed to be a happy occasion. An emergency C-Section ending in a 6 week NICU stay followed by a 1 week PICU stay isn't an ideal way to begin a new life. I missed tons of things with the Boy Wonder, including his birthday party that I worked so hard to plan.
Several of my dear friends have given birth in the past two weeks. I found myself anxiously refreshing their pages once they were in labor, feeling so relieved once everyone made it safely. The pictures of Mommy and Baby and Daddy and Baby during the first few hours are so beautiful it is almost heart breaking. These pictures help me understand why I have sadness surrounding his birth. I didn't get to see him until he was over a day old. I never met the woman who cared for him during his first 12 hours of life. She rotated into Nursery A after that night so I never got to really talk to her. It is such an odd thing, somewhere out there is an amazing woman. A woman who sat by my baby's Giraffe Incubator and watched his every breath. She loved him and cared for him since I couldn't be there. She was an extension of myself. We wait for months and months to see our babies, to learn them. We day dream about who they will favor, how will they sound what will their smile be like. We don't prepare ourselves for having a baby that others can see and touch yet you are isolated from said child. I vaguely remember begging nurse Valerie to allow me to go see him. This happened once and I got the "good drugs." At the time I was so worried about any medication entering my breast milk and so I was prompt to refuse most things for pain but my Dr. was so wise to give me some memory scrambling feel good stuff. My best friend brought me food and stayed til late. She did this when Boy Wonder was born. She had wonderful things to tell me about the new guy she was dating. The medications helped me as it was if I didn't have a care in the world. Now, I have some guilt. It is so weird that I was making phone calls post op and talking as if everything was fine. Now, I know from talking to my Dr. that the medications they gave me were the reason I seemed fine.
I wasn't fine. I didn't get to hold him or feed him or change his diaper for a long time. This is weird for me because we roomed in when our older son was born. We kept him near us until he developed sever jaundice and had to be taken to the intermediate nursery on day 3. I remember missing him terribly and he was just down the hall. I cannot recreate Whimsy's birth. I cannot change the way things happened. I am just going to honor this experience so hopefully I can help someone else.
I remember the first time I was able to touch him. Staring at him, trying to find some resemblance to one of us, trying to connect with this sweet angel that I didn't yet know. Unlike our old son, it took several visits to really learn how to connect with him. Everything surrounding his birth was so foreign and clinical. His tubes, lines, monitors and special care were all so new to us. Yet, I remember being so amazed at how beautiful he was to us.
One of my sweet family members spent the entire summer making sure I was sane. She visited me often and brought me things. She loved me through this entire process. She didn't have too much experience with L & D apart from when her sister was born and when the Boy Wonder was born. She braved the NICU to be with me so I wouldn't have to be alone early on in the process. I will never forget watching her fear melt away once she was able to really see him. She was such a blessing to me.
As I type these things, that voice is constantly correcting me saying "Be thankful that he is here. Stop complaining." That voice isn't my own. It belongs to the person that lives inside that criticizes me for feeling things. I say to that person, "I am not complaining." I am being a real person, with conflicting and real feelings. I overheard someone say recently, "It must be awfully exhausting trying to be someone she's not." The most amazing part of this statement is that the very person spewing these words is the one person that I have watched change to suit the surroundings. So as I stated earlier, I am not going to apologize for honesty. There are many grammatical issues I would go back and change but I have decided to leave this entry unedited. I feel as if the rawness may be less reader friendly but more accurate. My words aren't flowing like they usually do but I am ok with that too!
Love one another. Thank you for all that you have done for us in the past year and 9 months. This journey has been possible because so many of our friends, our created family, have embraced us and helped us get through. We are incredibly blessed by all of you. In this moment, I think of that song from the Sound of Music "Something Good." I have an amazing husband-he not only loves me, he likes me! I know some people that never found that. I have two gorgeous children. I have the greatest support system for which a girl could ask!
"Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could. So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good."
Blessings.
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