While you travel the world...

B's mind is constantly going. He soaks up the daily grind of the world like a sponge. He wonders out loud "What is that Sprinkler doing?"
"Watering the lawn", I reply.
 "You mean, the grass," he says emphatically correcting me.
 "Yes, B. 'Lawn' is another word for 'grass'." 
"What's that cable repair truck doing?"
 "..um repairing a cable", I tell him. 
"What is that truck doing in the road Mama?"  

It goes on and on. This might seem like a simple exchange between a 3 year old and a mother but he is asking because he is truly interested. He will take that tidbit of information and store it and then wow some stranger with his new found knowledge. You tell him something once, he holds onto it forever.  He is extremely sensitive and impressionable.  When something extraordinary happens in his world, it will take days sometimes weeks for him to fully process it and move on.

 My father enjoys taking B grocery shopping with him, a treat I often enjoyed as a child.  One day, upon returning from the store, B was wide eyed and talking away. I couldn't fully grasp what he was conveying.  He repeated words like "crashed" and "mess."  Finally, my father helped him retell his story.  He witnessed a jar of something fall off a shelf and shatter on the floor in an aisle.  The store clerk came and cleaned it up. This event was stressful to little B.  He retold the story over and over and just when I thought he was ready to put it to bed, he would retell it again.  Little things would set it off-a trip to the grocery store, seeing a jar at home, watching E or myself clean up a mess. 

A couple weekends before E left, we met my parents at the S & S Cafeteria for Sunday Dinner. As we were about to open the door to enter, we heard a loud explosion followed by lights flickering.  A truck crashed into a light pole outside the restaurant and blew up the transformer.  The police and fire department came. It was a huge ordeal for all of us but especially our little B.  He talks about the "crash into that pole" and the "lit" that falls down (his word for sparks).  Each day he retells the story and gains a little more clarity.  He asks "Why that truck did that ?"  I calmly answer him each time.  Lately, he started saying "I know why that truck just crashed, Mama.  He wasn't a safe driver. He let go of the wheel. You are a safe driver. We don't crash into that bus." His little brain is working over time to process this event.

He is a thinker, a feeler, an observer and an internalizer.  He is a lot like me.  You can't fool him.  He is too quick.  You move something out of place and he will be the first to ask "Hey, why did you put that there?"  I do think his observations and memory recall are signs of intelligence. I also thing they are signs of emotional vulnerability.  He reminds me of me at 3.  Three was a hard year for me.  It was the year my mother left. People would say "Oh she was too young to remember." Not true.  I remember the day she left vividly. I remember what she was wearing, what she packed and how it made me feel. I was confused, overwhelmed, anxious.  I have processed these memories now that I am an adult. I am at a better place but I fear what this separation is doing to sweet  B.

I know that E will come back. I know a divorce and a deployment are totally different but I also believe that B is more impacted than most realize.  Every day we pull into the drive way, he asks "Where's Daddy?" He knows Daddy isn't here but he needs to hear me say it. During the first week E was gone, I served dinner and B told me that we had to wait for Daddy.  I once again explained that Daddy was on a trip and wouldn't be back for a while.  B replied "When he gets home, he is going to have to eat a lot of dinners." For B, life isn't going on for his Daddy.  He thinks he is going to have to return and do all the things he would have done had he been here. He doesn't understand that his Daddy is eating and sleeping where he is...if he can't see him, he must not be doing these things. 

I tried to use the calendar to help B understand. He is learning the months and the days of the week at Preschool.  I showed him how many pages we have to tear off before Daddy can come home.  He just replied "Silly Mama, just tear them off now and then Daddy will be home."  You see, B, as most 3 year olds, is very literal. He is my Amelia Bedelia. I also explained to him that we would have to have summer first and go swimming before Daddy came home.  The other day one of our dear friends came over for a play date. B asked her if he could come over to go swimming at her pool.  She took him last year.  She looked perplexed and told him it wasn't time yet.  I know what he was thinking..."If I go swimming, Daddy will come home."

I am doing the best I can to reassure him that we love him and that he is safe. I am keeping him on a predictable schedule.  He always asks "What's going to be after my nap? What is going to be after dinner? What is going to be after we read a book?"  He craves predictability.  I am also planning special outings to help him enjoy the time.  We are going to see You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown this weekend. We will see Cinderella next weekend. I am taking him to do another craft at Home Depot each month.  We will take trips to the Zoo, Aquarium and Science museum in the summer.  I am considering taking him to see the Harlem Globetrotters and Disney Live.  I know these things can't replace his Dad but hopefully they will help the time pass. 

So much reminds us both of E. Even children's programming on PBS Kids isn't safe to watch! There is a song by the Laughing Pizza's that comes on sometimes and it makes me think of E and B eventhough it is written from the perspective of a little girl.

You are my Daddy
I am your girl
You’re the best daddy in the whole wide world
I miss you so
When you go away
Won’t you come home soon so that we can play?

The way we love to play
You throw me up
So high in the air
But I know that you’ll catch me
You’ll always be there

You push me higher
So high in my swing
‘till I feel like I’m flying
Just like a bird with wings
Like a bird with wings

But Mommy won’t watch
No she just turns away
She gets too nervous the way that we play
Oh it just makes us giggle
It’s like a joke that we share
‘Cause whatever we do
I feel so safe in your care

You’re the best Daddy
And I’m your best girl
And please know that I love you
While you travel the world
There’s no one like you
And there’ll never be
You’re my prince, you’re my Daddy
Forever my Daddy
You’re the best Daddy for me


Right now, there is nothing worse than hearing that little voice say "I miss Daddy." Luckily, he doesn't expect me to turn around and look at him while I am driving because "that wouldn't be safe driving." He doesn't have to see the tear streaked face when I say "Me too, baby, me too."