And So It Begins

Sitting in the quiet house alone, I have yet to sob. I dropped E off a couple hours ago and then ran some errands.  A part of me is still in denial, "He is just at work" my mind is telling me.  I know it will set in when darkness falls and both boys need me.  I have to be strong as I am now both Mommy and Daddy to the boys. I have to be the strong arms that protect and calm when B has a bad dream. I have to be the jokester that never fails to bring a giggle from our tiny tot or boisterous laugh from the boy wonder.  It will sink in later.

When I can't open a jar or reach something high up
When the trash overflows and I have to take it out
When the washer is done and I have to transfer it to the dryer,
When something needs to go up in the attic,
When a stranger comes to the door in the darkness and I don't want to answer,
When I have to sit in the waiting room alone at one of Tiny Tot's many Doctor's appointments
When I can't make a Lego airplane quite like Daddy does..
When my back hurts and I need it cracked..
When the children are fast asleep and I roll over and stare at the empty bed, I will know. He is gone. 

My sadness is tempered with the knowledge that he is coming back. Although the initial separation feels like a death and the grieving process is similar, I am reminded that others aren't so lucky.  There are plenty of single parents out there that have to do all this alone because their spouse is dead. They don't get to countdown the days. They don't get to look forward to an earthly homecoming. For this, I am thankful.
I just have to keep telling myself
"When E goes away, He always comes back."