Leavin' On a Jet Plane

When I was younger, we had a songbook filled with 60s and 70s ballads.  I loved singing through the songbook as I played the piano.  I had a hard time getting through "Leavin’ on a Jet Plane" without tearing up.  The song mastered the sadness associated with separation and loss.  I shouldn’t have been able to relate to such a sad song at that tender age but since my parents were divorced, I knew all too well about separation and loss.  As I lay in bed tonight, I can’t help but hear Peter Paul and Mary singing Denver’s classic.  Mary’s voice filled with anticipation and pain and she wails through the chorus.  E is in the other room packing. Both children are fast asleep.  I know that this time tomorrow night, he will be far far away and yet my mind is still in denial.  I don’t truly start to process our separation until our last hug.  This will be the 4^th time he has left for a significant amount of time but it is the first time that B is old enough to understand the impact of his father’s absence. 

We decided not to tell B that Daddy was leaving until a few days ago. We didn’t want to worry him unnecessarily but we also wanted to give him a few days to process and react while E was still here.  He is such an amazing child. He is one of the reasons I finally brought myself to create a blog. He says and does so many things worth writing about!  He has had a hard time processing the upcoming deployment. He knows E is leaving for work but what that really means, he can’t fully grasp.  His emotions have naturally run the gamut this week.  I know it will be a hard adjustment so I am attempting to keep B on schedule.  I know that children feel most vulnerable when their days are unpredictable.  We also have encouraged him to talk about his emotions. He has learned to say “I am angry” instead of throwing a temper tantrum. 

Last night B woke up sobbing uncontrollably. He continued to sob for over 30 minutes. We tried holding him tight and rocking him. We told him how much we loved him.  It was heartbreaking.  I know his pain.  I was B’s age when my mother left us.  I remember sitting at the front door and watching her drive away.  I didn’t yet understand what “separation” or “divorce” meant. I would sit there each day watching and waiting for her to return.  When my weekend visits with her would end, my father had to physically pry me out of her arms while I sobbed “I want my Mommy.” I remember my anxiety.   As I grew older, I vowed to NEVER put my child through that.  I couldn’t have predicted falling in love with a military man.  I know it is vastly different than getting a divorce. E and I love each other deeply and he will come back.   I have started saying “When Mommy goes away, she always comes back. When Daddy goes away, he always comes back.”  At first, this didn’t register with him but today we dropped him off at preschool and he started to cling to E.  I repeated the phrase and it seemed to calm him.   Tonight B came up to me and looked up at me with his giant brown eyes and said “Mommy, I just want to tell you.  When B goes away, he always comes back.”  We hadn’t been talking about anything in particular but in that moment I felt like “Ok, I can do this single parent thing.”  I know it is going to be the biggest challenge of my life.  Brooks will need a lot of extra attention and Tiny Tot is at a very needy stage.  S and B are waking repeatedly in the night so I will be tired. 

There is so much more I want to say but my eyelids are heavy. I need to try to get some sleep while E is still here because the next 7 months are going to be tiring! I owe an update on Sweet S and his health so I promise to write that tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day my loves. You three are the best things in the world.