Night

For the most part, I have been doing just fine. However, once the boys were down tonight and I climbed into the bed it hit me.  I miss you. "Goodbye My Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy is playing in my head as I think of you. They lyrics aren't fitting for our situation as I believe the song is about the ending of a relationship that never got started.  I don't remember when I first heard this song but I believe it was on a television show. It has a very moving sound and conveys sadness well.

If I close my eyes, I can feel you next to me. My hands tiptoe across the sheets daring to reach the emptiness forcing me to realize that you aren't here.  I am so surprised that the crashing sense of grief hasn't hit me.  The first few times you had to leave, I thought my shredded heart would never heal. Perhaps I have become accustomed to this pain or developed coping mechanisms. The children are a huge help in that I don't have time to feel sorry for myself. They give me joy daily so it is hard to be sad in their presence. We have grown so much over the years. I feel so blessed to have someone in my life that loves me unconditionally. You give so much to this family. I love that I don't have to worry about your commitment. I feel secure and connected even when you are on the other side of the world. That proves to me that we will go the distance.

You are the type of man I would wish for my sweet cousins to find.  When I was a small child I hated the night but not for the typical childhood reasons. I didn't fear the darkness but the solitude that came with it. I loathed quiet and would have waves of anxiety if I was still awake when everyone went to bed. I didn't realize then that I was afraid of my feelings afraid of the loneliness. As long as I could hear my parents milling about or my father playing the organ, I could distract myself from the pain.  I had tons of unanswered questions and didn't understand many of the emotions that come with divorce, abandonment, new marriages, and blended families.  I do remember praying to God that I would someday find peace and happiness. When I was old enough to imagine a future husband, I would often wonder what he was doing at that very minute. I learned to take comfort in knowing that somewhere out there a man was in the making, growing up, maturing learning to love. Now I know, in the quiet darkness, the prayers were for you.

You have loved me despite all my cracks and bruises. You have given me a beautiful family. This separation is temporary, our bond eternal.

So I will sleep well tonight knowing that when you wake, you will think of me.

Thank you for serving us. Thank you for risking your life. Thank you for giving me so much more than I could ever express in a little blog. You are my hero.