You know what they say about Karma..

"Moon River Swan" courtesy of Google Images

Well other than calling her quite the provocative name, she does exist.
20 years ago tomorrow I experienced a life changing event.
Most birthdays it doesn't occur to me. I celebrate happily with friends and family blissfully unaware of the other anniversary in my life.  I am not sure why this year it has crept up on me. I don't need to process it, I have long past put away the pain that accompanied it. I have grown into somewhat of an adult though I still get a thrill out of playing with my child.  I have had many years of therapeutic healing to bring me to this point of happiness. However, as I stand here on the eve of my 35th birthday it is almost like looking at the thresh hold of where past meets future. One birthday, a long time ago, partially led me to where I am today. I will not cry out or wallow in any form of self pity. Tomorrow is a celebration of life. However, don't ever test the fiery goddess. She is fierce and unforgiving. She bites back twice as hard with the venom of a 1000 poisonous snakes. She will sink those who steal innocence. They pay in spades.

There's a letter on the desktop, I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever of the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams.

The Mississippi's mighty, but it starts in Minnesota
At a place where you could walk across with five steps down
And I guess that's how you started, like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me and I start to drown

And there's not enough room in the world for my pain
Signals crossed and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain
Of all my demons spirits I need you the most,
I'm in love with your ghost.
I'm in love with your ghost.

Dark and dangerous like a secret, get's whispered in a hush (Don't tell a soul)
When I wake the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush (Don't tell a soul)
When you kiss me like a lover then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river play your memory like the piper

And I feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me
But I don't walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity I've never been this close
I'm in love with your ghost.

Unknowing captor, you'll never know how much you
pierce my spirit but I can't touch you
Can you hear it a cry to be free
But I'm forever under lock and key
As you pass through me.

Now I see your face before me; I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my Island as the sand beneath me slips
I burn up in your presence and I know now how it feels
To be weakened like Achilles with you alway sat my heals.

And the bitter pill to swallow is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I can't swim free the river is too deep
Though I'm baptized by your touch I am no worse than most
in love with your ghost.

This Indigo Girls song used to be my outlet. I am so thankful that there is no ghost in my life anymore. I am thankful that I have a husband that loves me and makes me feel whole. I am thankful that I kept a promise to a scared little girl. It might have taken years to fulfill but we did it. So, I can truly say to that scared 15 year old: No matter how many memorials or scholarships or things that exist, I knew the truth and it didn't destroy me. I am successful, happy, and loved.

And to those of you out there who are less than honest or sacrifice innocence to further your own agendas, just know that Karma is out there. She is watching. She always remembers so that we, the innocents, can forget.