Nightmare

I cannot sleep. My heart is beating fast and I feel almost panicked. I had the most horrible dream that something happened to sweet baby. My dreams have always been vivid-full of sounds, color, smells and raw emotion. Flashing lights, raw terror, paramedics...cold...holding him and then not.

I won't continue because lucky for me, it was just a dream. My hands are shaking as I type this. I realized that I hadn't blogged in a long time. I haven't shared any of the adorable things that sweet boy has done. I haven't commented on how grown up the Boy Wonder has become. I am vowing to be better, to record their achievements.

This dream has renewed my absolute gratitude for those boys. THANK YOU GOD that it was just a nightmare. Thank you for those two sweet angels that are safe sleeping in their beds.
This pain makes me miss our sweet one that isn't with us but again so relieved that the two that are here are safe.

The words here are poorly strung along. There isn't any true sense of thought...just me trying to expel the dream from my head.

I hope this pain will subside and I can return to sleep...this time, dreamless.

One is NOT the Loneliest number....

Today was perfect. We took your brother to VBS and then played at home. We saw so many people who loved you through the NICU at VBS when we returned at noon to retrieve your brother. We met Daddy at the Deli for lunch and then returned home for a much needed nap.

We played in the afternoon and just enjoyed being a tiny family. You laughed, showing off your new buds of teeth you are finally getting!  You have perfected your own version of the Army crawl and you love to bounce your bottom to any music.  I can tell by watching, you will be crawling in no time. Crawling? He's not crawling yet? Are you worried about it? Someone asked today. "Absolutely not."

I am so relieved that today was perfect. I didn't attempt to plan the day or run around in some high anxiety filled frenzy trying to do something special. I just let you be you and do what you wanted to do, which incidentally involved putting many things in your mouth.  Whatever calm that came over me today, was a divine blessing. I enjoyed you.  You are going to do things on your own time table.

Daddy came home and we dressed you in your brother's shirt from his first birthday. It was big on you but we thought it would make a great tradition. We ate dinner and then Daddy had me bring you in our room to play. Your Daddy cleaned the living room and surprised us by decorating and wrapping a few extra gifts.  He picked up your "one' cake and a couple cupcakes for us. We helped you open your gifts and then gave you cake. Since you are almost the opposite of your brother, we were prepared for you to attack the cake.  You didn't disappoint. Your brother, on his first birthday, wasn't interested in smashing or even eating his cake. I think he even cried when we put icing on his finger!

We stopped you before you got sick, gave you a bath, bottle and snuggle.
Today was perfect because it was normal. No Dr's, no fear, no worries..just love. We return to our weekly appointments tomorrow but for today, we just were Mommy, Baby, Brother and Daddy. I liked that we did low-key. No visitors, just us.
Happy Birthday Whimsy. I know it was your birthday but I feel like I got the gift.

Love you.

(I'll post a different birthday letter later. I just realized the time. I wanted to get this in before the clock struck midnight.)

There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.
-- Washington Irving

The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt.
-- Max Lerner

Anxiety

As the baby's first birthday approaches, I find myself filled with anxiety that almost takes my breath away. Even as I write this, there is a small burning sensation in my stomach and my heart beat is slightly faster.  Intellectually, I understand the emotional memory and how it is tied to our physical memory. I understand that this time last year, things were so unknown.  I am so happy to be able to celebrate his first birthday. After what we experienced, I know I am blessed. There are Mama's out there that are about to experience an entirely different "one year." The ones that lost their little ones while we were in the NICU.

At first, I wasn't comfortable sharing these feelings in this blog. I know at least one person who reads my entries spends a great deal of their life judging me and others. However, as I decided a long time ago, I needed to be true to this process. Many of you have emailed me and thanked me for the raw honesty I shared this time last year, so why should this be any different? I am not going to allow myself to feel guilty for having feelings.  From what I have read, it is completely natural to have some anxiety or even sadness as this time approaches. The body remembers the fear, pain and sadness.

I hope that as Tuesday approaches, the joy outweighs any anxiety of what we went through.  I had a Dr.'s appointment last week to check on my healing from a surgery I had a couple weeks ago. He told me that it is completely normal to have some conflicting emotions in the next few weeks.  He knew to address the situation without me mentioning anything I was feeling. He said he has heard from many patients that had a child in the NICU how the birthday was filled with mixed emotions. I am still not ready to look at the photographs but I know that time will come.

For some of you, this entry may seem odd. Why should I have any feeling but happiness? I wish I knew the answer but from what I have learned in this past year unless you have had a child in the NICU, you just can't fully appreciate the experience.  Birth is supposed to be a happy occasion. An emergency C-Section ending in a 6 week NICU stay followed by a 1 week PICU stay isn't an ideal way to begin a new life.  I missed tons of things with the Boy Wonder, including his birthday party that I worked so hard to plan.

Several of my dear friends have given birth in the past two weeks. I found myself anxiously refreshing their pages once they were in labor, feeling so relieved once everyone made it safely.  The pictures of Mommy and Baby and Daddy and Baby during the first few hours are so beautiful it is almost heart breaking.  These pictures help me understand why I have sadness surrounding his birth.  I didn't get to see him until he was over a day old. I never met the woman who cared for him during his first 12 hours of life. She rotated into Nursery A after that night so I never got to really talk to her.  It is such an odd thing, somewhere out there is an amazing woman. A woman who sat by my baby's Giraffe Incubator and watched his every breath.  She loved him and cared for him since I couldn't be there. She was an extension of myself.  We wait for months and months to see our babies, to learn them. We day dream about who they will favor, how will they sound what will their smile be like.  We don't prepare ourselves for having a baby that others can see and touch yet you are isolated from said child.  I vaguely remember begging nurse Valerie to allow me to go see him.  This happened once and I got the "good drugs."  At the time I was so worried about any medication entering my breast milk and so I was prompt to refuse most things for pain but my Dr. was so wise to give me some memory scrambling feel good stuff.  My best friend brought me food and stayed til late. She did this when Boy Wonder was born.  She had wonderful things to tell me about the new guy she was dating.  The medications helped me as it was if I didn't have a care in the world.  Now, I have some guilt. It is so weird that I was making phone calls post op and talking as if everything was fine.  Now, I know from talking to my Dr. that the medications they gave me were the reason I seemed fine.

I wasn't fine.  I didn't get to hold him or feed him or change his diaper for a long time. This is weird for me because we roomed in when our older son was born. We kept him near us until he developed sever jaundice and had to be taken to the intermediate nursery on day 3. I remember missing him terribly and he was just down the hall.  I cannot recreate Whimsy's birth. I cannot change the way things happened. I am just going to honor this experience so hopefully I can help someone else.

I remember the first time I was able to touch him. Staring at him, trying to find some resemblance to one of us, trying to connect with this sweet angel that I didn't yet know.  Unlike our old son, it took several visits to really learn how to connect with him. Everything surrounding his birth was so foreign and clinical. His tubes, lines, monitors and special care were all so new to us.  Yet, I remember being so amazed at how beautiful he was to us.

One of my sweet family members spent the entire summer making sure I was sane. She visited me often and brought me things. She loved me through this entire process. She didn't have too much experience with L & D apart from when her sister was born and when the Boy Wonder was born.  She braved the NICU to be with me so I wouldn't have to be alone early on in the process. I will never forget watching her fear melt away once she was able to really see him. She was such a blessing to me.

As I type these things, that voice is constantly correcting me saying "Be thankful that he is here. Stop complaining."  That voice isn't my own. It belongs to the person that lives inside that criticizes me for feeling things. I say to that person, "I am not complaining." I am being a real person, with conflicting and real feelings. I overheard someone say recently,  "It must be awfully exhausting trying to be someone she's not."  The most amazing part of this statement is that the very person spewing these words is the one person that I have watched change to suit the surroundings. So as I stated earlier, I am not going to apologize for honesty. There are many grammatical issues I would go back and change but I have decided to leave this entry unedited. I feel as if the rawness may be less reader friendly but more accurate.  My words aren't flowing like they usually do but I am ok with that too!

Love one another. Thank you for all that you have done for us in the past year and 9 months. This journey has been possible because so many of our friends, our created family, have embraced us and helped us get through.  We are incredibly blessed by all of you.  In this moment, I think of that song from the Sound of Music "Something Good."  I have an amazing husband-he not only loves me, he likes me! I know some people that never found that. I have two gorgeous children. I have the greatest support system for which a girl could ask!

"Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could. So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good."

Blessings.

Of Golden Quarters and Wedding Bells

I hear the distinct sound of coin money. Sweet Wonder Boy is in his room getting his "Golden Money" together. He spotted some shiny new quarters on the table, the treasure trove from today's laundry, and told me he was saving his "golden quarters" for his wedding.  I chuckled to myself and thought "smart guy, weddings are expensive!"

As you might have guessed, I couldn't pass up this opportunity to probe into 3 year old land to find out what he thought of marriage.  I first asked him who he was going to marry. He instantly responded "You and Daddy!" as if to say I had 3 heads for not knowing this. I told him we were already married. We were a family and that was forever. I told him that when he was older and had found his sense of self he could marry whomever he wanted to as long as the person loved him back with equal ferocity.  Notice I specifically did not say "girl" or "boy." We don't believe in leading our children to gender specific identities. I don't have any expectations of who 28 year old Brooks is going to be. I hope he is happy and a contributing member to society. I hope he is kind, loving, forgiving and generous with his time and money.  That is why when he told me that to be married meant to be with your friends and so he is marrying Tyler, Christopher, HMac and James I didn't balk.  I didn't tell him that he couldn't marry a boy. Hopefully, by the time he is of appropriate marrying age, it won't be a political issue. Right now, I am not concerned at all with his sexual identity. I am just concerned that he is happy and having a healthy childhood. Some people reading this blog might be alarmed and even outraged that I didn't correct him. You are entitled to your opinion.

I do ask you this. Have you ever felt not good enough for your parents? Has a parent ever rejected you for nothing other than just being you? As a younger person, I thought this was the worst thing in the world. As a mother, I take this particular experience from childhood as the best gift in the world. I know now how it feels and the last thing I will ever want my children to feel is abandoned or not validated.

The Boy Wonder is only 3 soon to be 4. We have years ahead of us before we see him walk down the aisle or jump out of the airplane or however he and his spouse to be decide to tie the knot. For now, I am happy to report that when I told him that you marry someone you love and that Mommy and Daddy were married to each other, he replied "Oh, ok, I get it now. I'll marry baby brother!"

Love your children. Each moment is precious. Don't judge them for who you want them to be. Celebrate who they are becoming. You blink and they are grown up with families of their own. You want them to continue to include you in their life? Treat them well now and always.

Sacagawea courtesy of google Images

Dear Mr. Keurig, Thank you for your amazing invention. Love, One Tired Mama!

Remember this post? Well prior to leaving yet again, Hubs surprised me with this lovely gift .  I had heard mixed reviews about this type of coffee system but let me tell you I am officially in love with an appliance.  We bought the mid grade system opting out of the platinum system. Ours is still pretty awesome. We have the ability of selecting 3 different cup sizes and programming the water temperature. It brews tea, hot cocoa and coffee.  So far I have tried about 6 different flavors of varying strengths. The fact that I can make a cup of coffee in less than minute, one handed WHILE holding a baby is enough to give this appliance an A PLUS.  I always knew my husband loved me. I know this regardless of the gifts he does or does not bestow up on me. Our marriage has a solid foundation but when I opened this gift, it was pretty much bliss.  I have definitely arrived at the stage in my life where appliances are not only acceptable but the gift of choice.  Now I just have to start hot rolling my hair and forgetting to remove one as I hurriedly dash the boys off to school in my house coat and slippers...ahh middle age I have arrived!

Big Man of the House

I am coming down with something or so I think. I am exhausted and feel run down. Perhaps it is just the accumulation of singledom that is finally catching up with me, or perhaps I am getting a cold. After putting Tiny Tot down for the evening, I decided to lay down for a bit. Boy Wonder earned some television tonight so he was happily watching the Fresh Beat Band do their "Great Day" number or sing about some problem they are having in pretend school land. After the show, BW comes to find me. "Mama, why are you in bed?" he ask.  "I don't feel well. Are you going to take care of me? Are you the man of the house?" I jokingly ask him.  "Yes, first I will rub your back and if it doesn't make you better then I'll rub your tummy."
That is so sweet, I think and help him climb up so he can rub my back.  "Yes, but I got to make it quick, my tv. program is about to start."

Ahh, the priorities of a 3 year old.  In case you are all worried, he did state that I should probably go to the hospital to get well.  At least he realized he might be out of his league in the healing department.

You know what they say about Karma..

"Moon River Swan" courtesy of Google Images

Well other than calling her quite the provocative name, she does exist.
20 years ago tomorrow I experienced a life changing event.
Most birthdays it doesn't occur to me. I celebrate happily with friends and family blissfully unaware of the other anniversary in my life.  I am not sure why this year it has crept up on me. I don't need to process it, I have long past put away the pain that accompanied it. I have grown into somewhat of an adult though I still get a thrill out of playing with my child.  I have had many years of therapeutic healing to bring me to this point of happiness. However, as I stand here on the eve of my 35th birthday it is almost like looking at the thresh hold of where past meets future. One birthday, a long time ago, partially led me to where I am today. I will not cry out or wallow in any form of self pity. Tomorrow is a celebration of life. However, don't ever test the fiery goddess. She is fierce and unforgiving. She bites back twice as hard with the venom of a 1000 poisonous snakes. She will sink those who steal innocence. They pay in spades.

There's a letter on the desktop, I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever of the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams.

The Mississippi's mighty, but it starts in Minnesota
At a place where you could walk across with five steps down
And I guess that's how you started, like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me and I start to drown

And there's not enough room in the world for my pain
Signals crossed and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain
Of all my demons spirits I need you the most,
I'm in love with your ghost.
I'm in love with your ghost.

Dark and dangerous like a secret, get's whispered in a hush (Don't tell a soul)
When I wake the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush (Don't tell a soul)
When you kiss me like a lover then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river play your memory like the piper

And I feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me
But I don't walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity I've never been this close
I'm in love with your ghost.

Unknowing captor, you'll never know how much you
pierce my spirit but I can't touch you
Can you hear it a cry to be free
But I'm forever under lock and key
As you pass through me.

Now I see your face before me; I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my Island as the sand beneath me slips
I burn up in your presence and I know now how it feels
To be weakened like Achilles with you alway sat my heals.

And the bitter pill to swallow is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I can't swim free the river is too deep
Though I'm baptized by your touch I am no worse than most
in love with your ghost.

This Indigo Girls song used to be my outlet. I am so thankful that there is no ghost in my life anymore. I am thankful that I have a husband that loves me and makes me feel whole. I am thankful that I kept a promise to a scared little girl. It might have taken years to fulfill but we did it. So, I can truly say to that scared 15 year old: No matter how many memorials or scholarships or things that exist, I knew the truth and it didn't destroy me. I am successful, happy, and loved.

And to those of you out there who are less than honest or sacrifice innocence to further your own agendas, just know that Karma is out there. She is watching. She always remembers so that we, the innocents, can forget.

9 months Milestone

Today has been crazy busy so I don't have the time to write a proper post but I promise to remedy that this week. 

9 months ago you came into this world.

Today you are 14 pounds 8 ounces.

You are 26 inches long (this could be off because I didn't officially measure you today). 

You have a good helping of red hair growing on your tiny head.

You are eating solid food that I make you. You love avocados, all variety of squash, applesauce, bananas, and peas.  You constantly reach for any food that I am attempting to eat. 

You roll over back to front and front to back. 

You aren't sitting up yet and that frustrates you.  You are so busy and want to move but haven't figured out how to crawl or scoot. Once you master the tripod and sitting up, I think it will get easier on you. Mama is in no hurry for you to be on the move. You are full of spunk and let us know when you need something. 

You started full on grunting this month. Cousin Megan calls you her Baby Rhino when you make that silly sound.

You started cooing and babbling finally.  You just started mimicking speech sounds. You will say "ah ah" and then if we copy you, you repeat it back to us.  It is the closest thing to verbal communication we have with you. B loves it and tries to get you to "talk" to him all the time. 

You just entered the stage of Stranger Anxiety. This is not easy to deal with now that Daddy is away. You do like to hold other people's hands while I hold you. It truly is endearing. 

You HATE baths.  I have adjusted the temperature and even tried having B hold you in shallow water. You loathe it. This is new. You had no problem with them before. 

You are such an individual. Before you were born, I used to say that I knew all babies were different and what worked with B might not work with you.  Boy, was I right!

You love your swing for naps. B hated the swing.

You love the Exercauser and get more use out of it in the month you have had it than B did his entire babyhood.

You hate baths, B loved them. 

You LOVE green babyfood. B did not.

You get super distracted while nursing.  Nothing could interrupt B's latch once he got going.

You kick harder than any other baby I have ever known. 

You squeal/scream. B was a quiet baby.

You reach for the spoon and sometimes swat its contents all over the place. B hates getting messy while eating and did as a baby. 

I LOVE that you are different. I love both of you so much but I am glad that you are already totally unique individuals. My heart has equal love for both of you. I cannot measure where one love ends and the other begins. 

You have an ENT now and will get tubes the next time you get an ear infection. We see him once a month. We see your Pulmonologist every 3 months now. We still see the NICU doctors and Neurologists every three months in addition to your well baby Ped., visits.You still have a herniated navel and left side. We are still holding out that things will close on their own.  

We have a few more hoops to jump through until we feel like we are completely out of the woods but you have come so far. You may not seem miraculous to those on the outside but to our small family, you are our miracle boy. 

We love you Whimsy Baby.

March for Babies-Team Whimsy Fundraiser!

Warmer of the Month-Baby's Breath
http://whimsy.scentsy.us

March for Babies Scentsy Fundraiser: Team Whimsy
We are walking for Baby S. We are raising money in his honor to help the March of Dimes' efforts to fund research for premature babies. 


Why Wickless? 
One of the many things my husband and I have in common is our love of candles.  We both have strong sensory memories attached to certain scents and more often than not you would find a candle burning in at least one room of our home daily. So what changed?  2010 was a tumultuous year filled with multiple highs and lows.  After two losses and a pregnancy laden with complications, we welcomed our 2nd son into the world at 34 weeks.  Our combined hospital stay totaled over 10 weeks and welcoming him home was one of the most amazing days of our lives. His birth and struggles renewed our faith in God and each other. He carved a place in all of our hearts.  He has struggled with some health issues but never ceases to amaze us with his strength and ability to adapt and thrive.  His respiratory and pulmonary systems were compromised due to both his prematurity and the life saving measures that the brave members of our medical team performed on his tiny body.


So, when our Whimsical boy came home, the candles had to go.  Have you looked at the black residue that lines the glass after a candle has burned for a while? Do you know that traditional candles produce soot, dirt, and lead compromising the quality of air in your home? I didn't either.


Do you suffer from asthma, migraines, or allergies?  Do you know that traditional candles and air fresheners complicate these health problems?  Sure, the amount of soot and lead might be minimal for most people but to a child with compromised lungs or asthma they can be lethal.  After researching and consulting with his team of specialists including his Pulmonologist, Neurologist, and Pediatrician, I learned that a wickless low residue product was a viable option for our family.  Scentsy uses food grade parafin wax infused with oil to give off fragrance.  The wax is wickless and never comes in contact with the heat source so there is no smoke, soot, or lead released into the air.

Giving Back:
While hospitalized this summer, I thought a lot about others who had it worse than I. I knew my condition was serious and potentially life threatening but I also knew there were many others out there with worse medical issues.  When our Whimsical boy was born, I would sit in the NICU surrounded by the tiniest of miracles and know how blessed I was.  Just 8 months prior, I had entered Labor and Delivery but gone home with empty arms.  I vowed to find a way to raise money to help others encountering the NICU and children who would over the years be more familiar with hospitals than their own schools.


We are walking in the March of Dimes-March for Babies walk in honor of baby S. You can help by donating directly to the Team Whimsy page on the March for Babies website or order from the Scentsy Fundraiser at http://whimsy.scentsy.us

Good Morning in the house among Boys.

"um Mr. Mommy, you can be the super motorcycle guy and I will be the super speeder."

Then Tiny Tot bites down while he is nursing. "Ouch!"

"He don'ts want to drink, Mama. He wants to bite you. Can I bite you gen-Til-Ly?"
"No, I don't want either of you to bite me." I say.
"Well, I guess that will have to do. Time to make the breakfast. I'll have Orange Juice." The Boy Wonder says running off to become "Hat Ranger."
Oh, you don't know what a Hat Ranger is? "They are the guys that are nice and if there is a nice bug in trouble, they will help them." He says while twirling his red cowboy hat.

Today is going to be an interesting one.

Suitcases

Google Images

The suitcase is in the living room again. No matter how many times I do this, it never gets easier. Suitcases are supposed to evoke excitement.  Suitcases have always had the opposite effect on me.  They have always meant separation not relaxation.  From the time I was gifted my own tiny blue suitcase for visitations with my mother, suitcases started to be associated with pain, separation, and loss. Most people get suitcases out to travel together, to explore something new, to get a tan and rejuvenate. Not here.

The suitcases are in the living room again but only one is going.

Sometimes I imagine that our suitcases are animate. She watches her husband get selected to come downstairs to go on some journey each time the attic door opens.  She rarely gets picked. I hope I haven't given her a complex. I often think I'll take a vacation. I'll take a week or two and go traveling, have some "me" time, leave the kids with Hubs. Then I snap back to the reality of knowing that so much of our time is spent apart, that it would be too difficult to voluntarily separate for a vacation.  So, the female counterpart, the untraveled, will have to keep waiting until a time when we both can get away.  Surely, when her husband returns tired to the bone, weary from the troubles he has seen, overwrought with the joy of the surroundings from home and her warm embrace, she understands that he isn't going on a luxurious vacation even if it feels that way to the one he leaves behind.

Travel safe, dear men. We'll keep the home fires burning.

Who's Your Person?

Courtesy of Photobucket

I'm on my knees
only memories 
are left for me to hold

Don't know how 
but Ill get by 
Slowly pull myself together 

There's no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily 
Fill this empty space 
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace


The first time I heard "Grace" by Kate Havnevik was May 15, 2006. I was sitting on my best friend's couch. We had a ritual. I lived 7 doors up the street and each Sunday night, we got together and ate dinner and watched Grey's Anatomy together. There were so many striking parallels between the characters and our real lives that it sometimes took my breath away.  It is why I call one of the whitest girls on the planet, "Yang" why Hubs is "McDreamy" and I am "Mer."  The plot lines and similarities never ceased to freak us out week after week. The music from the show moved me more times than not to tears. In a weird way, Grey's Anatomy helped me process many painful events in real life by having an outlet each week in which to evoke an emotional catharsis.  We were invested in the show. We never missed an episode. When they made references, however subtle, to past characters or events Yang and I got it.  We have experienced a multitude of highs and lows throughout the show's 7 seasons.  She is still "My Person."


Tonight's Musical episode received mixed reviews from both the professional critics and the Facebook peanut gallery.  I am not afraid to say that Hubs and I loved it. It had a feeling of nostalgia. Although, McDreamy and I are married now and sadly don't watch Grey's with Yang anymore, tonight it was as if we were all still back in her living room.  From the second Callie sang a few bars of Psapp's "Cosy in the Rocket", the show's original theme song, I knew we were in for a roller coaster ride through the past emotional moments in Grey's history.  True fans would have recognized the references.  Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" was first used during the Season 2 Finale. Issie gives a devastatingly painful monologue about how Denny had proposed to her before she left to get dressed for the dance. 


"Grace" is also from that episode and made an appearance on tonight's show.  That song floors me every time I hear it.  Not only does it remind me of the moment in Grey's history when Meredith and Derek finally quit dancing around their chemistry and connect and the last moment we see Issie with her innocence completely in tact, but also a time of tragedy in our lives. 


I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change 


I cannot hear that song without feeling the cold grass under my feet, the warm tears on my face, as I sobbed in our backyard in the middle of the night. The day we learned our baby had died. The night before I was to walk into Labor and Delivery and come home empty handed. I sang this song and used it to process and fight to the surface of the emotions in which I was drowning. We don't talk about her. We don't let others know how much we miss her. We focus on the blessings that are here with us most days until something reminds us of that pain. Tonight was no exception. 


Nothing comes easily 
Fill this empty space 
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily 
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything 
I just want to feel your embrace


Of course, the pain is lessened by the joy we get from the Tiny Tot. Time did put some distance between me and that puddle of grief, shell of a woman, that wouldn't  couldn't come inside.  Hubs said all the right things and in true McDreamy form picked up that puddle and held me til the warmth returned.  Tonight reminded me how lucky I am to have "My person."  She has been there my entire life, we even have the Preschool class picture to prove it.  As Meredith says to Yang: 

Meredith: If I'm going to do this, and be whole and healthy and be a warm, gooey person who lives with a boy... then I need you on board. I need you to cheer me on. Because you're the only one who knows me. Darkly. Really knows me. I need you to pretend that I can do this even if you don't believe. Because if you abandon me now, I will never make it, and I will never get my happy ending and that's just...
Cristina: Life.
Meredith: I'm saying please here.

---

Cristina: Mer, why do you care what I think?
Meredith: Because you're my person

The greatest thing about Yang and Mer's relationship is that they get each other. The don't have to explain or apologize for their actions. They don't have to spend hours examining their emotions or discussing painful experiences. Although, we are both blissfully happy in our stage of life sometimes I miss sitting on her couch attempting to process life as it sped full force into my face.  We no longer live 7 houses away from each other but are still within driving distance. I know inherently that she is always just a phone call, text, drive away.  I firmly believe it will be this way until we are pushing around the oxygen tanks because after all it is hard being "Dark and Twisty" by myself. 

Rose Colored, Half-Full Glasses.

Courtesy of Google Images

When my friends are hurting or going through a challenge in life, I just want to stop what I am doing and help them through it.  I guess you would call me a "fixer."  I know I cannot mend everything but I love to try.  I love to listen when someone needs to vent and often just sit in silence so they don't have to be alone.

A friend of mine is going through something tough and scary and I just want to wrap my arms around her and make it all go away. 

I also know that tragedy, sadness or just difficult times is as much a part of life as the good stuff.  If you are reading this right now, I am on your side. 

Wish this post was philosophically moving or even somewhat amusing but alas, it is just some ramblings of how my heart is feeling right now. 

Do you think life would be better if we all stepped outside ourselves and tried harder? Would the world notice a shift in the "good vs. evil" fight or is it too late? If enough people "Paid it Forward" would we eventually get out of emotional debt that plagues us?  I have been called a "Pollyanna" many times in my life but I assure you I am anything but naive.  I am a realist that has a big serving of optimism with breakfast each day. Sure, I get let down more times that not but at least I still believe in humanity. Hope gets me a lot farther than one would think. 

I may not be as cute as Haley Joel Osmet but I do hope that anyone reading this will make a special effort. How hard is it to smile at the grocery store clerk, give your "bonus card" to the single mom behind you that is struggling just to get out of the store in one piece, offer to take the cart back for the elderly person?  Are we so self-obsessed and jaded by reality television that we forgot what "Love Thy Neighbor" even means? I hope not. Even if the answer is something dismal and depressing, I think I look better with "rose colored glasses", they go well with my coloring. 

An Interesting Read

"Hey Mommy, I want to read this book." the Boy Wonder says as he crawls up into our bed after his afternoon nap.

"Of course!" I say, not looking at the book because we are PRO reading in this house.

"I like it because it has a bird on it." He states.

I put the laptop down to snuggle up and read him...
Stephen King's The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger.

Um..Oops. I giggle.  He grabbed the paper back off Hubs nightstand.  When I chuckle, BW says "Mom, I don't think this is an ABC Book (his word for children's book). I think this is for "Dults."

I chuckle again. When I relay this to my wise friend, she simply states that she doesn't think that is the right book for him to be reading.
She suggests he start with The Shining.

Image Courtesy of Google Images

8 months-March 12, 2011

8 months ago our world was changed for the better. Just one week to the day from your older brother's 3rd birthday, mommy's body hemorrhaged for the last time. It was time, whether you or I were ready, it was time.

I still cannot believe how small you were, how fragile, how perfect.  You have overcome so many obstacles in your short 8 months. Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you.

At 8 months you weigh 14 pounds. You are 25 inches long.
You just moved up to size 1 diapers.
You started eating solids a few weeks ago and you cannot get enough of Mommy's cooking!
You are extremely social and do not enjoy playing by yourself for more than 5 minutes.
You light up when I walk in the room to get you up from a nap.
You love diaper changes.
You are still nursing but we give you a pumped bottle with your gastro meds each night.
You are starting to hold your bottle.
You finally rolled over a week and a half ago.
You aren't sitting up yet but it will come.
You are still so tiny that we just put you in day gowns and sleepers. Your waist is so small that it is hard to find pants that fit you. You are so tall for your weight but you aren't on the growth chart yet!
You love to smile and laugh. You are the happiest baby I have ever been around.
You are reaching for things and transferring objects.
You adore your big brother.
You get at least 2 breathing treatments a day.
You have a Pulmonologist, a Pediatrician, a Neurologist, and NICU specialist that follow your development.
Your Dr.'s are watching your trunk muscle tone and head lag, Mommy and Daddy are just watching you live!

I haven't updated your Carepage in months. I meant to put your 6 month stats on the blog but time got away from me then Daddy had to leave for work. I finally realized this weekend that I have been avoiding that site because I am not ready to relive all the pain we experienced during your first few months of life. You and your brother mean the world to us. You amaze us every time you hit a new milestone. Don't worry if your brother did things before you.  He had a head start. As Dr. R likes to say, B came out a toddler; you came out a preemie.  I have full faith that you will hit all your developmental milestones.

It is really late so I must go to bed before you wake again to be cuddled and fed.  I promise a better stats post next month!

Life isn't anything like an 80's tv commercial.

Courtesy of Google Images

You've been there: one child is crying, the other is whining the same question he has been asking for 10 minutes.  The washer is going and the dryer is making the tumbling sound yet there are piles of laundry waiting  to be done.   The dishwasher is humming but the kitchen floors are in desperate need of a mop.


The cacophony grows to an intolerable decibel and the pressure builds, the good person inside just wants to escape but the sleep deprived version of yourself snaps.  You order a child to stop whining and you raise your voice telling the world you just need a minute. You yell at your husband when he intrudes on the privacy you craved and now the baby is upset. 


It is the literal Calgon commercial on steroids but in reality there isn't the soothing motherly announcer's voice calmly telling you how you deserve a break and a bubble bath will make it all go away.  In reality, the chores are still there, the baby is still teething, the preschooler is still whining because his question wasn't answered to his satisfaction and the husband is frustrated because he cannot figure out what in the world has just happened. 


In reality, the only thing left is guilt.


Why is it that we mothers aren't honest about moments like this? Why don't more of us say "Wow, I really lost my cool last night," or "Goodness, I feel awful about how I handled this situation."  Why is my first instinct to gloss over this and pretend to the outside world that this afternoon didn't happen. The majority of the day has been a wonderful success. I volunteered this morning at Goodwill. Hubs took the children to their music class. They met me at Goodwill and we bought B some books then went to the Health Food store for lunch.  We ran some errands and had a lovely day.  However, late afternoon, the children were tired and B wasn't listening.  He was in and out of time out and wasn't too happy with either of us.  The majority of the day was fine, but 5 minutes of mommy meltdown is enough to make it feel like the whole day was a failure.  


I am not a super mom. I am a human, one that is impacted by everything from stress, weather, illness, sleep deprivation and hormone shifts. Let's face it, I am flawed. I am so flawed I often question if I am doing everything wrong.  


There are some mothers that I absolutely don't ever want to emulate. There are some people that I look to in order to see what not to do in the parenting department.  


After I have a moment like this, the guilt is so thick it is palpable. I feel awful that I lost my cool. I am embarrassed that I raised my voice instead of handling the situation like an adult.  My three year old isn't phased. He is still motoring on about the truck in his hands.  My husband did the only thing he knew to do, gathered up the children and made an exit to the grocery store. When I fail to be my best self, I am my worst critic but I have to believe that this instant recognition of failure is a sign that I am somewhere deep down still a good mom and wife.  Who reading this hasn't ever had a bad day? Who hasn't ever felt like they should have walked away from a situation?


When I started this blog, I made a promise that I would be as honest as possible about what was going on in my life and I would refrain from editorializing or censoring my experiences as a mother.  Too often, I have found that we women try to present ourselves as perfect mothers.  I think this is more harmful that honesty.  Perhaps, if more of us said "Wow, I really messed up today", it would be easier to accept when it did happen. We would know we were not alone. 


Mommy guilt doesn't ever go away. We strive to give our children the best.  You have to be careful to make sure you are using your own internal compass.  I thought peer pressure was a thing of teenagers, boy was I wrong! Keeping up with the other Preschooler Moms can consume a person if they let it.  I almost fell prey to that mentality when B first started MDO 3 years ago.  Now, I don't worry about what color raincoat he is wearing, if he loves it, I do.  


Hubs just called to ask if there was anything else I needed from the store.  Perhaps I should have asked for some Calgon!  I told him that I didn't know what was wrong with me. I suspect the emotional roller coaster of a week, hormonal shifts coupled with sleep deprivation probably led to my outburst.  He is fine. Per usual, he reassures me that I am beating myself up for no reason. We all have down moments. We all have break downs.  You know, women don't seem to give men enough credit in the emotions department. My husband has extreme emotional acuity. He can size a situation up, figure out the nexus, fluff off the debris, process and then call to find out what flavor of yogurt I want for the week.


Me? I beat myself up for an hour.   
Hubs 1
MA-0


Until next time, remember, your success as a mother isn't measured in 5 minute increments of breakdown but in the 55 minutes of love and understanding.  
Also, don't be afraid to take a bubble bath in the middle of the afternoon. Perhaps, the Calgon people were on to something!

Jonah and the Whale meets Donkey Kong.

As I was cleaning up after  dinner tonight, B starts mumbling something about "wicker people" or so I thought that was what he said. "Hey honey, what are you saying?" 

"Mom, he flushed all the wicked people." the Boy Wonder said.

"Who did?" I asked somewhat confused.

"Jonah. He did. He flushed all the wicked people."

"Um, Jonah did? Or did God?" I probed.

"God did. The guys were rowing in the boat so fast. The one in the front was my favorite. They threw Jonah into the water. He was eaten by a BIG fish. We watched the movie." BW said.

"Oh, Jonah and the Whale." I said, beginning to understand.

"No mom, it was a BIG fish and he ate Jonah because God was very angry."

"So, did Jonah stay in the belly of the whale forever?" I asked, enjoying this tale.

"Mom, I TOLD you. It was a BIG fish. Anyway, no the fish spitted him out onto the land."

"Then what happened B?" I asked anxiously awaiting him to finish.

"um, well there was a white dog and he ran away to the castle. A princess lived in the castle."


"A princess? In the Jonah story? Was she wicked?" I asked perplexed and amused.

"No she was nice and Jonah is a book, Mom, not a story." He corrected me.

"God flushed all the wicked people" he said for the third time, "but not in the toilet, in the water with the fish. Then we read a book about Jonah in class. The Gorilla was very angry."

At this point I cannot contain my grin "A Gorilla? In the book of Jonah? Who was he mad at?" I asked.

"Jesus."


Image courtesy of Google Images

*Disclaimer: B hasn't ever seen the game Donkey Kong.



Image courtesy of Google Images





3 Year Old Logic

"Daddy, are you home for the day?" the Boy Wonder asked Hubs on the way home from Preschool.

"No, honey, I have to go back to work." Hubs said hoping BW wouldn't erupt in tears.

"Why do you go to work?" BW asked.

"To make money." Hubs stated.

"Why you need money?" BW asked.

"We need our house, and to buy food..."

"And Toys?" BW asked cutting Hubs off mid sentence.

"Yes, toys too." Hubs said chuckling to himself.

"Oh, well I only want one more toy." BW said.

"What is that?"

"Lightning McQueen Cars from Target" he paused for a bit then added:

 "Just one more toy, so you don't have to go back to work Daddy."

Image Courtesy of Google Images

If only it was that simple. After showering him with kisses, Hubs told him goodbye and assured him he would be home tonight after work.  I gave B a mandarin orange fruit cup and cheese stick for a snack. He is now singing the theme song to Fraggle Rock blissfully unaware that this new normal is merely temporary but in the words of Jim Henson:

Dance your cares away
Worry's for another day
Let the music play
Down at Fraggle Rock

I smell coffee

Hubs is the coffee maker in the family.  I have tried to match his coffee brilliance but no matter what I do, it just doesn't taste the same.  This is a small joke in our family because in my younger days I managed a coffee house (think Starbucks but with a HUGE bookstore attached ;) Now, I can tamp down espresso and make you the "best soy latte that you ever had" but at home, our simple coffee pot owns me.

So when I was arroused from slumber by the familiar blend of arabica wafting through the air, I knew it wasn't a dream. HUBS WAS HOME.

What? I thought he was gone til August/September? Yes, that was definitely the plan. That was the terms of the mission he was tasked to complete. This wasn't some bizzarre secret lie I had to make up in order to blog about his time away (although there will be times when I am fed misinformation but don't know it as OPSEC requires) or there might be times when I allude to but do not tell you something.  Remember this post.  Hubs contacted me with some weird requests but couldn't really tell me anything. For days these strange communications continued.  I started to think he might come home for a few days.  I was really worried about how the Boy Wonder would handle brief return and then I felt anger. It took him a week to get here. I had no real idea of when he would actually make it until yesterday.  
Guess who is changing a diaper right now? Hubs! Guess who is drinking coffee in bed and blogging? Me:)

He will be here long enough to in process (that takes a few days), get ready for the mission, then out process.  He will be gone until the end of the year for this mission.  There won't be any "surprise" I'm home this next time.  You learn to not make plans if your Hubs is in the service.  They own us and our time. You cannot plan on having a baby to fit some schedule because that schedule changes.  We sacrifice for the betterment of our Nation and other nations.  I am proud of my husband.  I struggle with the pain these separations cause our children but this just means I have to be a better mother. 

For now, he is home. I know where he is going and it isn't going to be pretty.  For most of you, the news is just an informative look at what is going on in the world but for me it offers clues to my Hubs safety. For most of you Gadhafi's ramblings just make for a great SNL skit, but I no longer find it amusing.

Time to enjoy this small precious gift of time we have been given. I am thankful.

Just because you can buy in on EBAY doesn't mean you should....

Today I took B and Tiny Tot for some fun time after we picked up B from Preschool. I needed to run out to another baby store to check to see if they had a particular double jogging stroller in stock. We are supposed to walk in a 5k tomorrow but we don't have a double stroller and B would get tired after about 10 minutes. After venturing to the baby store, I took the boys to a restaurant with a playground.   While B snacked on his treat, I fed the baby some yummy fresh fruits.  I put him back in his car seat so he could play with his Bright Starts Toy Bar so I might be able to get 3 bites of salad. 

 Courtesy of Google Images

The frog lights up and plays a few songs. It isn't very loud. If I have the radio on and he plays with it, I cannot hear it.  I am extremely considerate to others in public especially when I have children with me.  No one likes to listen to a crying baby or whining child while they are attempting to enjoy a good meal or get their errands done.  I bring things to entertain both children if we are going out to eat.  I ask B to speak quietly so not to disturb other guests.  I will leave if either child is crying.  This is why what happened next really irked me.

So the alternative couple in the booth next to me had two small children with them.  One was about 18 months and the other 5 or 6.  The guy had tattoos and piercings all over and well so did she.  I am all for self expression and this alone didn't bother me.  The couple wasn't paying any attention to either child as their toddler continued to throw things in our general direction and SCREAM.  B said "Mama, that baby isn't being very nice."  Since we were in a Fast Food place that caters to children, I wasn't too bothered. It wasn't like I was in the middle of enjoying some fancy meal.

The couple became annoyed with their children so they sent them to the play ground, unassisted, to play so they could continue their obnoxious conversation.  At one point, the guy says "That baby's toy is so annoying and loud."  "Really?'  I thought to myself not wanting to set a bad example in front of B and create a scene. "Not nearly as loud and annoying as you dropping the F bomb left and right in front of all of our children while conversing about the lingerie you bought her on EBAY."

Yes, I was delighted to learn that he was so excited for her to put it on and wear it tonight. She was worried it wouldn't fit. She said she would just return it if it didn't.  "No," he reminder her. "I bought it on Ebay but don't worry after all we measured your (insert your own colorful word for "Hoo Ha" aka "Vag") and your 'Up theres' (he actually said a crass word for woman's privates but then was careful to say "Up Theres"-"breasts", heck "boobs" would have been fine). 

So pardon me, while my well behaved children eat their afternoon snack and play QUIETLY at the table. I wouldn't want to ruin your EBAY buying love fest. ...GAG.


Courtesy of Google Images



Oleta Adams here's your new verse

Image courtesy of Wilderness Safaris

You know that song "Get Here" by Oleta Adams? I was popular in the 1990s and became a theme song for many soldiers during the Gulf War. 

This song used to make me laugh, like hysterically laugh. I don't know why. I guess some of the lyrics seem just so absurd.  "You can reach me in a big balloon.." Which incidentally was the inspiration for the song.  The song writer, Brenda Russell, saw a hot air balloon from her Penthouse in Stockholm and thought about all the ways you can travel to get to someone, but I digress.  One of my best friends and I used to make up lyrics to this song, really silly ones.  "You can reach my by taxi cab, but be careful not to step on a crab..."  There were others but I cannot remember them at this moment.  Today, as I walked in the door from taking B to school, the phone rings.  It is my best friend, we will call her "Aurelay." She informs me that E has posted the following on FB:  "Hey, if anyone on FB has MA's phone number, can you call her and let her know that I ditched the wireless here and am in the MWR computer lab waiting to chat with her?"

So, I promptly log on and am able to chat with Hubs for 5 minutes.  I am impressed with both Hubs creativity in contacting me and the speedy success of said contact.  This inspired me to write new lyrics to show our progress in communication technology. After all, this isn't your 1991 war....

 You can reach me by Facebook, post a new status for your friends too look,

 "Tell my wife to get online, because I do not have much time." 

You can send it in an email, tweet it out, girl, just don't fail.

Call her up on your cell phone, before I start to wail.

You could reach her on Myspace, but she prefers the book of Face

You comment on her blog, put on your sneakers and go for a jog

Tell her I am on Yahoo, time for some cyber chat

Skype is down here but we can work around that...

Not my best work but funny just the same.  As we were chatting, little Ms. Adams' voice floods my ears and I start laughing again, until...

I actually search for it on Youtube.  Yeah, when your husband is deployed and 1000s of miles away, it isn't as funny. 

You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab manI don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

You can reach me by sail boat, climb a tree and swing rope to rope
Take a sled and slide down the slope, into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedy colt, cross the border in a blaze of hope
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, surely you would be closer
I need you closer
You can windsurf into my life, take me up on a carpet ride
You can make it in a big balloon, but you better make it soon
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

I don't care how you get here, just -- get here if - you can. 

* Want to make me laugh? Leave your best lyrics to this song in the comments :)

Late at Night

Late at night
In the darkness
I wonder, can you feel me thinking of you? Willing a protective shield around you? Guiding you home...It is in these moments that I feel you. It is as if you are next to me breathing the same air. I never believed a love like this could exist for me. I never thought I could be so close to someone that even when separated by 8 time zones I can still feel you in my mind.

All around me people are experiencing their daily lives unaffected by the headlines. They are blissfully unaware of the significance of the news.  I drive to Preschool each morning unable to turn off NPR. I search for clues of your safety. I know there is nothing there for me to learn. You world is a secret web of intricate details of which only few are privy. Spider spider spinning the web, telling a story, part truth, part imagination designed to keep the masses at bay.

I cannot turn it off, this news. The Tara CDs are quiet for now.
Loving someone you cannot hold more months of a year than you can takes it toll,
when its late at night
and you are alone,
in the darkness. 

I WANT MY DADDY!

Image courtesy of saturdayeveningpost.com

There have been some new developments lately that will impact B but unfortunately, I cannot disclose them here...at least not now.  B was handling E's absence with surprising strength. He rarely cried and except for the occasional "Where's Daddy?" he continued to go about his day as usual, until yesterday.  It was the first time I left him for a play date.  I have had to leave him a couple times to go see clients since Hubs left but it was always in the home with someone watching him here.  Yesterday, he went home from school with one of his best friends.  This child's Dad frequently takes B for the afternoon to enable me to get some work or errands done.  Hubs usually picks him up in the afternoon. When I arrived to get B, I knew almost within seconds the departure wasn't going to go well.  Just seconds before he saw me, I saw him through the window smiling. HM had a container of cookies and they were sitting down to enjoy an afternoon snack.  But once he realized I was there, he collapsed into a puddle. He started sobbing, screaming and throwing his first tantrum of his life. Yes, you read that correctly. Up until yesterday, B was one of the most mild mannered children I have ever met.  He rarely had outburst and NEVER had a full fledged tantrum.  Sure, he would cry sometimes or fold his arms and inform us that he was "very Angry" but nothing like this.  He ran from me. When I tried to hold him and console him he screamed "GET AWAY FROM ME."  For a second, the air escaped my lungs. I felt my chest tighten and the familiar anxiety crept in. Many of you reading may think this is no big deal. Perhaps your child is prone to tantrums or you have seen enough of the grocery store melt downs in stranger's children that this doesn't really seem alarming. 

I was scared to death.  I know he is unique in that he has always been successful in expressing his emotions. We came up with creative ways to vent frustration. We rarely raise our voice at each other or at him so he hadn't learned to scream by example. I stared at my tiny child unable to find the words to reach him.  I took a second, set the baby carrier down and ran to him.  I knew he was hurting so bad that he would refuse my comfort at first but I had to stand firm and show him that I was going to love him through this moment.  He eventually fell into my arms and sobbed. He sobbed so hard my shoulder was soaked in moments.  He cried "I want my Daddy. I miss Daddy. Where is Daddy?"  I stroked his hair and explained to him that Daddy was working and that I missed him too and that it was O.K. to be upset.  I told him that I was here and that he wasn't alone and that Daddy would come back.  I worked him toward the front door and reached for a cookie.  He had refused HM's advances and attempts to console him with a cookie and continued to yell that he didn't want one.  I knew this was the hurt talking.

Once we made it outside, he began sobbing again. What brought this on? I can't be sure but I have a really good idea.  Children are incredibly resilient beings but they are also creatures of habit.  Have you ever picked up your child from Preschool or Sunday School and the minute they see you they dissolve into a puddle of tears?  I learned in Human Growth and Development and my Early Childhood Psychology classes about Attachment Theory.  Basically, the development of close personal relationships with our caregivers. I will spare the long drawn out didactic lesson on AT but I do believe it is what is at play here.  Basically, children form attachments to their parents and caregivers.  They have anxiety associated with separating from the caregivers and in extreme cases can develop disorders from this anxiety.  Some anxiety is normal and processing the separation is important for healthy development.  In preschoolers, often they have anxiety when the parent drops them off at school but then compensates by attaching to the teacher or caregiver.  This new relationship is essential for the child to process the anxiety of separating from the parent. So, once the parent returns, a small amount of anxiety becomes present when separating from the teacher.  It also has been said that the child then remembers the original feelings of anxiety when the parent left that morning and then cries or processes it all over again. 

I believe that B was happily playing at his friend's house prior to my arrival.  He has been processing his father's absence and not responding to any negative feelings associated with it.  When I showed up in lieu of his father today, it rocked his world.  Daddy ALWAYS picks him up from this friend's house. Why was yesterday different? Once he realized that Daddy wasn't picking him up, all the emotion he has felt the past two weeks bubbled up.

I was able to get him fully calm within 10 minutes of the initial outburst.  He looked up at the sky and commented on the gray clouds and then said goodbye to his friend. As predicted, he asked for the cookie when we got in the car.

Today, his teacher asked me if he was having trouble with E's deployment.  I told her about yesterday. She said she would continue to encourage him to use his words. She said he was definitely a different child today and super emotional.  So now I am back to the original reason for this post. There is a new development in Hubs' situation. It is going to impact B.  It was something completely unpredictable but considering the internationl climate and what my Hubs does for a living, nothing is surprising. People are often surprised by the lack of information I have on Hubs' whereabouts or his flight schedule to and from deployments.  It is a matter of National Security.  He doesn't even find out where and when he is leaving until he is handed a boarding pass.  When he arrives "in country", he can tell me his flight plan, until then I know nothing.  Friends and family are often amazed that I really don't know what Hubs does and how much of his life is a "secret" to me.  I remind them that I cannot disclose things that my clients share with me so in a way, we are even.

I just hope little B will be able to adjust soon.  I hate to see him sad.