Life isn't anything like an 80's tv commercial.

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You've been there: one child is crying, the other is whining the same question he has been asking for 10 minutes.  The washer is going and the dryer is making the tumbling sound yet there are piles of laundry waiting  to be done.   The dishwasher is humming but the kitchen floors are in desperate need of a mop.


The cacophony grows to an intolerable decibel and the pressure builds, the good person inside just wants to escape but the sleep deprived version of yourself snaps.  You order a child to stop whining and you raise your voice telling the world you just need a minute. You yell at your husband when he intrudes on the privacy you craved and now the baby is upset. 


It is the literal Calgon commercial on steroids but in reality there isn't the soothing motherly announcer's voice calmly telling you how you deserve a break and a bubble bath will make it all go away.  In reality, the chores are still there, the baby is still teething, the preschooler is still whining because his question wasn't answered to his satisfaction and the husband is frustrated because he cannot figure out what in the world has just happened. 


In reality, the only thing left is guilt.


Why is it that we mothers aren't honest about moments like this? Why don't more of us say "Wow, I really lost my cool last night," or "Goodness, I feel awful about how I handled this situation."  Why is my first instinct to gloss over this and pretend to the outside world that this afternoon didn't happen. The majority of the day has been a wonderful success. I volunteered this morning at Goodwill. Hubs took the children to their music class. They met me at Goodwill and we bought B some books then went to the Health Food store for lunch.  We ran some errands and had a lovely day.  However, late afternoon, the children were tired and B wasn't listening.  He was in and out of time out and wasn't too happy with either of us.  The majority of the day was fine, but 5 minutes of mommy meltdown is enough to make it feel like the whole day was a failure.  


I am not a super mom. I am a human, one that is impacted by everything from stress, weather, illness, sleep deprivation and hormone shifts. Let's face it, I am flawed. I am so flawed I often question if I am doing everything wrong.  


There are some mothers that I absolutely don't ever want to emulate. There are some people that I look to in order to see what not to do in the parenting department.  


After I have a moment like this, the guilt is so thick it is palpable. I feel awful that I lost my cool. I am embarrassed that I raised my voice instead of handling the situation like an adult.  My three year old isn't phased. He is still motoring on about the truck in his hands.  My husband did the only thing he knew to do, gathered up the children and made an exit to the grocery store. When I fail to be my best self, I am my worst critic but I have to believe that this instant recognition of failure is a sign that I am somewhere deep down still a good mom and wife.  Who reading this hasn't ever had a bad day? Who hasn't ever felt like they should have walked away from a situation?


When I started this blog, I made a promise that I would be as honest as possible about what was going on in my life and I would refrain from editorializing or censoring my experiences as a mother.  Too often, I have found that we women try to present ourselves as perfect mothers.  I think this is more harmful that honesty.  Perhaps, if more of us said "Wow, I really messed up today", it would be easier to accept when it did happen. We would know we were not alone. 


Mommy guilt doesn't ever go away. We strive to give our children the best.  You have to be careful to make sure you are using your own internal compass.  I thought peer pressure was a thing of teenagers, boy was I wrong! Keeping up with the other Preschooler Moms can consume a person if they let it.  I almost fell prey to that mentality when B first started MDO 3 years ago.  Now, I don't worry about what color raincoat he is wearing, if he loves it, I do.  


Hubs just called to ask if there was anything else I needed from the store.  Perhaps I should have asked for some Calgon!  I told him that I didn't know what was wrong with me. I suspect the emotional roller coaster of a week, hormonal shifts coupled with sleep deprivation probably led to my outburst.  He is fine. Per usual, he reassures me that I am beating myself up for no reason. We all have down moments. We all have break downs.  You know, women don't seem to give men enough credit in the emotions department. My husband has extreme emotional acuity. He can size a situation up, figure out the nexus, fluff off the debris, process and then call to find out what flavor of yogurt I want for the week.


Me? I beat myself up for an hour.   
Hubs 1
MA-0


Until next time, remember, your success as a mother isn't measured in 5 minute increments of breakdown but in the 55 minutes of love and understanding.  
Also, don't be afraid to take a bubble bath in the middle of the afternoon. Perhaps, the Calgon people were on to something!