Who's Your Person?

Courtesy of Photobucket

I'm on my knees
only memories 
are left for me to hold

Don't know how 
but Ill get by 
Slowly pull myself together 

There's no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily 
Fill this empty space 
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace


The first time I heard "Grace" by Kate Havnevik was May 15, 2006. I was sitting on my best friend's couch. We had a ritual. I lived 7 doors up the street and each Sunday night, we got together and ate dinner and watched Grey's Anatomy together. There were so many striking parallels between the characters and our real lives that it sometimes took my breath away.  It is why I call one of the whitest girls on the planet, "Yang" why Hubs is "McDreamy" and I am "Mer."  The plot lines and similarities never ceased to freak us out week after week. The music from the show moved me more times than not to tears. In a weird way, Grey's Anatomy helped me process many painful events in real life by having an outlet each week in which to evoke an emotional catharsis.  We were invested in the show. We never missed an episode. When they made references, however subtle, to past characters or events Yang and I got it.  We have experienced a multitude of highs and lows throughout the show's 7 seasons.  She is still "My Person."


Tonight's Musical episode received mixed reviews from both the professional critics and the Facebook peanut gallery.  I am not afraid to say that Hubs and I loved it. It had a feeling of nostalgia. Although, McDreamy and I are married now and sadly don't watch Grey's with Yang anymore, tonight it was as if we were all still back in her living room.  From the second Callie sang a few bars of Psapp's "Cosy in the Rocket", the show's original theme song, I knew we were in for a roller coaster ride through the past emotional moments in Grey's history.  True fans would have recognized the references.  Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" was first used during the Season 2 Finale. Issie gives a devastatingly painful monologue about how Denny had proposed to her before she left to get dressed for the dance. 


"Grace" is also from that episode and made an appearance on tonight's show.  That song floors me every time I hear it.  Not only does it remind me of the moment in Grey's history when Meredith and Derek finally quit dancing around their chemistry and connect and the last moment we see Issie with her innocence completely in tact, but also a time of tragedy in our lives. 


I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change 


I cannot hear that song without feeling the cold grass under my feet, the warm tears on my face, as I sobbed in our backyard in the middle of the night. The day we learned our baby had died. The night before I was to walk into Labor and Delivery and come home empty handed. I sang this song and used it to process and fight to the surface of the emotions in which I was drowning. We don't talk about her. We don't let others know how much we miss her. We focus on the blessings that are here with us most days until something reminds us of that pain. Tonight was no exception. 


Nothing comes easily 
Fill this empty space 
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily 
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything 
I just want to feel your embrace


Of course, the pain is lessened by the joy we get from the Tiny Tot. Time did put some distance between me and that puddle of grief, shell of a woman, that wouldn't  couldn't come inside.  Hubs said all the right things and in true McDreamy form picked up that puddle and held me til the warmth returned.  Tonight reminded me how lucky I am to have "My person."  She has been there my entire life, we even have the Preschool class picture to prove it.  As Meredith says to Yang: 

Meredith: If I'm going to do this, and be whole and healthy and be a warm, gooey person who lives with a boy... then I need you on board. I need you to cheer me on. Because you're the only one who knows me. Darkly. Really knows me. I need you to pretend that I can do this even if you don't believe. Because if you abandon me now, I will never make it, and I will never get my happy ending and that's just...
Cristina: Life.
Meredith: I'm saying please here.

---

Cristina: Mer, why do you care what I think?
Meredith: Because you're my person

The greatest thing about Yang and Mer's relationship is that they get each other. The don't have to explain or apologize for their actions. They don't have to spend hours examining their emotions or discussing painful experiences. Although, we are both blissfully happy in our stage of life sometimes I miss sitting on her couch attempting to process life as it sped full force into my face.  We no longer live 7 houses away from each other but are still within driving distance. I know inherently that she is always just a phone call, text, drive away.  I firmly believe it will be this way until we are pushing around the oxygen tanks because after all it is hard being "Dark and Twisty" by myself.