Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters

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The past few years I have experienced a transformation reminiscent of my childhood belief that positivity outweighs the darkness of the world.  This Pollyanna attitude enabled me to process multiple emotional abusive situations that were horrific enough to break an older person.  It was this belief, however, that set me up for hurt feelings and disappointment time and time again. I had this innate belief deep down that if you diligently searched, you would find the good in even the most darkened heart. I know now that sometimes this search will take you down a Rabbit Hole and lead to an epic journey of Homeric proportions.  At quarter life, I lost that sense of lightness and fell deep into a chasm of pain that I had compartmentalized away during my youth. These tiny doors in my soul kept opening up and revealing more forgotten birthdays, angry speech, blows to my tiny ego.  I was never enough and just shy of invisible to those whom I placed all levels of importance. 

Through a lot of self-study, professional listeners, and artistic endeavors, I was able to process a lot of these demons and use them to become more passionate on stage and in life.  My adult hood brought on yet another change in which I once again wanted to believe in positivity and the good in people. I made goals to speak kind words and lessen the impact of negative thoughts. I stumbled, gossiped, and found myself trapped in situations where I was less than proud but not as often as others who seemed to revel in the “woe is me” pity party of life.  I knew I would always be flawed and no amount of self-actualization would keep me from slipping up from time to time, however in the dawn of Social media I recommitted to sharing happiness and praise. I wanted my words to lighten the mood, encourage,  inspire or make people feel loved. I wanted to leave a legacy of moments in which I made people feel wanted, enough, and appreciated. 

There are days when I catch myself falling into that Rabbit Hole. A hurt word or action still has the power to send me spiraling down into that well known land of Mad Hatters. The difference is, I know my way around the kingdom and I am no longer perplexed by the inconsistencies that live there. I attend the Tea Party knowing that no matter how many Unbirthday celebrations occur, I don’t need even a sip of their tea to feel special. My heart is guarded now and I don’t get lost following the illusive rabbit…I refuse to engage in the anxiety inducing attempt to be ever present and ‘enough’ when I know, like he, I will always be late in the Queen’s eyes. 

Today, I think I finally have concluded that sometimes no matter how hard you look, the good just isn’t there. I don’t have to spend any more time investigating the “whys” or engaging on an empathetic driven quest to know what made a person cold.  It isn’t a reflection on my diligence or dedication to believing in the positive. It is just a fact a lesson in reality. Some can’t love. Some always leave. Some never value. My next chapter in life will be an attempt to temper this reality with my old childlike optimism in order to properly love and prepare my children for life.  I hope they never feel alone or uncomfortable in their own skin. I hope they never silence their laughter in order to be smaller and unseen.  I hope that once that hole is filled in and the land is finally unreachable, my heart will no longer hear reverberations of the screaming and the “Off with Their head” speech will be silenced both in memory and in impact. I hope I can look at my accomplishments and see a strong woman who walked a lonely journey yet thrived. I can look, without fear, intensely into that looking glass and be proud of what I see. I have value. I am enough. I am seen.

(Listen to Indigo Girls cover of Elton John's Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters) I tried to embed it but it didn't work. It is on youtube if you can't find it anywhere else.