When I was a child, the Peter, Paul, and Mary version of this song would induce a very cathartic cry. Dealing with the divorce and remarriage of my parents created a bit of grief that went unchecked for sometime. This song, among others, enabled me to reach parts of my sadness that I was unable to pin point or verbalize. I used to imagine this song was about my mother leaving. Now, as an adult who has watched her husband fly away for long periods of separation more times that I can count, this song has become a theme of sorts during the beginning of deployments.
Now that I think about it, I have been on a plane with him once. Once, in the 8 years we have been together, we have flown together once. Our honeymoon. I vow to change this upon his return. I pray the next time his suitcase is in the hall mine will right next to it.
The biggest adjustment for me is the lack of communication. We are so used to being able to email, text, call, chat, or skype. The instant gratification of all of these modes of communication isn't appreciated fully until you no longer have the ability to reach your loved one. Yesterday, my cell phone notified me that I had a new text. It was a message from our provider stating that his phone number was not deactivated per our request. Although, I had spoken to him hours before and he told me after he hung up he was calling to deactivate the phone, that message was like a swift kick in the throat. There are umpteen times a day that I reach for my phone to text or call him or think "I need to tell him this." Mundane things about my day, random musings and observations about life, silly things our children did flow through my brain and stop because I can't share them with him. No one else on this planet cares that Tiny Tot is eating carrots or that the Boy Wonder is growing up so fast I sometimes think I can actually SEE his pants getting shorter. I start Facebook statuses and erase them so many times because I realize I have become "that" mom. The oversharer. I have a twitter account for my Scentsy business but I often think "Thank goodness I don't use this for personal updates. I would tweet the most boring and obnoxious things." He gets me. He gets my sense of humor. In his world, I am funny, witty, smart, and the most important phone call or text of the day. Without him, I'm the person that does the laundry, trains small ones to pee on the potty, chauffeur, and cook. Of course there is so much more to mothering than that but in the first few days, this is what it feels like.
As I write this I am acutely aware that deployment is different than death. Please don't ever misread my sadness and think I am not insanely grateful that my husband is alive. I know there are people out there missing loved ones who will never reactivate their phones. When I experience a loss of any kind, and I try to write about it, I always feel that I don't allow myself the ability to feel what I am feeling without somehow experiencing guilt. I get it. There will always be people out there with a crappier situation. I am going to truly try to just be honest with how I am feeling as I travel down this road. I have two small children both of which adore their Daddy. They haven't lived with him for the entire year since 2010. It sucks. There isn't a way to sugar coat it. All the "just be thankful he is coming home" and "try to have fun and the time will pass" statements in the world won't change the fact that my 2 year old goes to the front door and calls out "Daddy!" It won't change the fact that I have an amazing marriage yet I have felt like I have been in prison for the past two years because the longest visit we have had has been 3 weeks.
I am going to be honest because I am tired of putting on the happy face. It is day 2 of official deployment and it sucks. Until you have walked a mile...glass houses and all that jazz.
"Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Then close your eyes, and I'll be on my way.
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say..."
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