Rose Colored, Half-Full Glasses.

Courtesy of Google Images

When my friends are hurting or going through a challenge in life, I just want to stop what I am doing and help them through it.  I guess you would call me a "fixer."  I know I cannot mend everything but I love to try.  I love to listen when someone needs to vent and often just sit in silence so they don't have to be alone.

A friend of mine is going through something tough and scary and I just want to wrap my arms around her and make it all go away. 

I also know that tragedy, sadness or just difficult times is as much a part of life as the good stuff.  If you are reading this right now, I am on your side. 

Wish this post was philosophically moving or even somewhat amusing but alas, it is just some ramblings of how my heart is feeling right now. 

Do you think life would be better if we all stepped outside ourselves and tried harder? Would the world notice a shift in the "good vs. evil" fight or is it too late? If enough people "Paid it Forward" would we eventually get out of emotional debt that plagues us?  I have been called a "Pollyanna" many times in my life but I assure you I am anything but naive.  I am a realist that has a big serving of optimism with breakfast each day. Sure, I get let down more times that not but at least I still believe in humanity. Hope gets me a lot farther than one would think. 

I may not be as cute as Haley Joel Osmet but I do hope that anyone reading this will make a special effort. How hard is it to smile at the grocery store clerk, give your "bonus card" to the single mom behind you that is struggling just to get out of the store in one piece, offer to take the cart back for the elderly person?  Are we so self-obsessed and jaded by reality television that we forgot what "Love Thy Neighbor" even means? I hope not. Even if the answer is something dismal and depressing, I think I look better with "rose colored glasses", they go well with my coloring. 

An Interesting Read

"Hey Mommy, I want to read this book." the Boy Wonder says as he crawls up into our bed after his afternoon nap.

"Of course!" I say, not looking at the book because we are PRO reading in this house.

"I like it because it has a bird on it." He states.

I put the laptop down to snuggle up and read him...
Stephen King's The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger.

Um..Oops. I giggle.  He grabbed the paper back off Hubs nightstand.  When I chuckle, BW says "Mom, I don't think this is an ABC Book (his word for children's book). I think this is for "Dults."

I chuckle again. When I relay this to my wise friend, she simply states that she doesn't think that is the right book for him to be reading.
She suggests he start with The Shining.

Image Courtesy of Google Images

8 months-March 12, 2011

8 months ago our world was changed for the better. Just one week to the day from your older brother's 3rd birthday, mommy's body hemorrhaged for the last time. It was time, whether you or I were ready, it was time.

I still cannot believe how small you were, how fragile, how perfect.  You have overcome so many obstacles in your short 8 months. Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you.

At 8 months you weigh 14 pounds. You are 25 inches long.
You just moved up to size 1 diapers.
You started eating solids a few weeks ago and you cannot get enough of Mommy's cooking!
You are extremely social and do not enjoy playing by yourself for more than 5 minutes.
You light up when I walk in the room to get you up from a nap.
You love diaper changes.
You are still nursing but we give you a pumped bottle with your gastro meds each night.
You are starting to hold your bottle.
You finally rolled over a week and a half ago.
You aren't sitting up yet but it will come.
You are still so tiny that we just put you in day gowns and sleepers. Your waist is so small that it is hard to find pants that fit you. You are so tall for your weight but you aren't on the growth chart yet!
You love to smile and laugh. You are the happiest baby I have ever been around.
You are reaching for things and transferring objects.
You adore your big brother.
You get at least 2 breathing treatments a day.
You have a Pulmonologist, a Pediatrician, a Neurologist, and NICU specialist that follow your development.
Your Dr.'s are watching your trunk muscle tone and head lag, Mommy and Daddy are just watching you live!

I haven't updated your Carepage in months. I meant to put your 6 month stats on the blog but time got away from me then Daddy had to leave for work. I finally realized this weekend that I have been avoiding that site because I am not ready to relive all the pain we experienced during your first few months of life. You and your brother mean the world to us. You amaze us every time you hit a new milestone. Don't worry if your brother did things before you.  He had a head start. As Dr. R likes to say, B came out a toddler; you came out a preemie.  I have full faith that you will hit all your developmental milestones.

It is really late so I must go to bed before you wake again to be cuddled and fed.  I promise a better stats post next month!

Life isn't anything like an 80's tv commercial.

Courtesy of Google Images

You've been there: one child is crying, the other is whining the same question he has been asking for 10 minutes.  The washer is going and the dryer is making the tumbling sound yet there are piles of laundry waiting  to be done.   The dishwasher is humming but the kitchen floors are in desperate need of a mop.


The cacophony grows to an intolerable decibel and the pressure builds, the good person inside just wants to escape but the sleep deprived version of yourself snaps.  You order a child to stop whining and you raise your voice telling the world you just need a minute. You yell at your husband when he intrudes on the privacy you craved and now the baby is upset. 


It is the literal Calgon commercial on steroids but in reality there isn't the soothing motherly announcer's voice calmly telling you how you deserve a break and a bubble bath will make it all go away.  In reality, the chores are still there, the baby is still teething, the preschooler is still whining because his question wasn't answered to his satisfaction and the husband is frustrated because he cannot figure out what in the world has just happened. 


In reality, the only thing left is guilt.


Why is it that we mothers aren't honest about moments like this? Why don't more of us say "Wow, I really lost my cool last night," or "Goodness, I feel awful about how I handled this situation."  Why is my first instinct to gloss over this and pretend to the outside world that this afternoon didn't happen. The majority of the day has been a wonderful success. I volunteered this morning at Goodwill. Hubs took the children to their music class. They met me at Goodwill and we bought B some books then went to the Health Food store for lunch.  We ran some errands and had a lovely day.  However, late afternoon, the children were tired and B wasn't listening.  He was in and out of time out and wasn't too happy with either of us.  The majority of the day was fine, but 5 minutes of mommy meltdown is enough to make it feel like the whole day was a failure.  


I am not a super mom. I am a human, one that is impacted by everything from stress, weather, illness, sleep deprivation and hormone shifts. Let's face it, I am flawed. I am so flawed I often question if I am doing everything wrong.  


There are some mothers that I absolutely don't ever want to emulate. There are some people that I look to in order to see what not to do in the parenting department.  


After I have a moment like this, the guilt is so thick it is palpable. I feel awful that I lost my cool. I am embarrassed that I raised my voice instead of handling the situation like an adult.  My three year old isn't phased. He is still motoring on about the truck in his hands.  My husband did the only thing he knew to do, gathered up the children and made an exit to the grocery store. When I fail to be my best self, I am my worst critic but I have to believe that this instant recognition of failure is a sign that I am somewhere deep down still a good mom and wife.  Who reading this hasn't ever had a bad day? Who hasn't ever felt like they should have walked away from a situation?


When I started this blog, I made a promise that I would be as honest as possible about what was going on in my life and I would refrain from editorializing or censoring my experiences as a mother.  Too often, I have found that we women try to present ourselves as perfect mothers.  I think this is more harmful that honesty.  Perhaps, if more of us said "Wow, I really messed up today", it would be easier to accept when it did happen. We would know we were not alone. 


Mommy guilt doesn't ever go away. We strive to give our children the best.  You have to be careful to make sure you are using your own internal compass.  I thought peer pressure was a thing of teenagers, boy was I wrong! Keeping up with the other Preschooler Moms can consume a person if they let it.  I almost fell prey to that mentality when B first started MDO 3 years ago.  Now, I don't worry about what color raincoat he is wearing, if he loves it, I do.  


Hubs just called to ask if there was anything else I needed from the store.  Perhaps I should have asked for some Calgon!  I told him that I didn't know what was wrong with me. I suspect the emotional roller coaster of a week, hormonal shifts coupled with sleep deprivation probably led to my outburst.  He is fine. Per usual, he reassures me that I am beating myself up for no reason. We all have down moments. We all have break downs.  You know, women don't seem to give men enough credit in the emotions department. My husband has extreme emotional acuity. He can size a situation up, figure out the nexus, fluff off the debris, process and then call to find out what flavor of yogurt I want for the week.


Me? I beat myself up for an hour.   
Hubs 1
MA-0


Until next time, remember, your success as a mother isn't measured in 5 minute increments of breakdown but in the 55 minutes of love and understanding.  
Also, don't be afraid to take a bubble bath in the middle of the afternoon. Perhaps, the Calgon people were on to something!

Jonah and the Whale meets Donkey Kong.

As I was cleaning up after  dinner tonight, B starts mumbling something about "wicker people" or so I thought that was what he said. "Hey honey, what are you saying?" 

"Mom, he flushed all the wicked people." the Boy Wonder said.

"Who did?" I asked somewhat confused.

"Jonah. He did. He flushed all the wicked people."

"Um, Jonah did? Or did God?" I probed.

"God did. The guys were rowing in the boat so fast. The one in the front was my favorite. They threw Jonah into the water. He was eaten by a BIG fish. We watched the movie." BW said.

"Oh, Jonah and the Whale." I said, beginning to understand.

"No mom, it was a BIG fish and he ate Jonah because God was very angry."

"So, did Jonah stay in the belly of the whale forever?" I asked, enjoying this tale.

"Mom, I TOLD you. It was a BIG fish. Anyway, no the fish spitted him out onto the land."

"Then what happened B?" I asked anxiously awaiting him to finish.

"um, well there was a white dog and he ran away to the castle. A princess lived in the castle."


"A princess? In the Jonah story? Was she wicked?" I asked perplexed and amused.

"No she was nice and Jonah is a book, Mom, not a story." He corrected me.

"God flushed all the wicked people" he said for the third time, "but not in the toilet, in the water with the fish. Then we read a book about Jonah in class. The Gorilla was very angry."

At this point I cannot contain my grin "A Gorilla? In the book of Jonah? Who was he mad at?" I asked.

"Jesus."


Image courtesy of Google Images

*Disclaimer: B hasn't ever seen the game Donkey Kong.



Image courtesy of Google Images





3 Year Old Logic

"Daddy, are you home for the day?" the Boy Wonder asked Hubs on the way home from Preschool.

"No, honey, I have to go back to work." Hubs said hoping BW wouldn't erupt in tears.

"Why do you go to work?" BW asked.

"To make money." Hubs stated.

"Why you need money?" BW asked.

"We need our house, and to buy food..."

"And Toys?" BW asked cutting Hubs off mid sentence.

"Yes, toys too." Hubs said chuckling to himself.

"Oh, well I only want one more toy." BW said.

"What is that?"

"Lightning McQueen Cars from Target" he paused for a bit then added:

 "Just one more toy, so you don't have to go back to work Daddy."

Image Courtesy of Google Images

If only it was that simple. After showering him with kisses, Hubs told him goodbye and assured him he would be home tonight after work.  I gave B a mandarin orange fruit cup and cheese stick for a snack. He is now singing the theme song to Fraggle Rock blissfully unaware that this new normal is merely temporary but in the words of Jim Henson:

Dance your cares away
Worry's for another day
Let the music play
Down at Fraggle Rock

I smell coffee

Hubs is the coffee maker in the family.  I have tried to match his coffee brilliance but no matter what I do, it just doesn't taste the same.  This is a small joke in our family because in my younger days I managed a coffee house (think Starbucks but with a HUGE bookstore attached ;) Now, I can tamp down espresso and make you the "best soy latte that you ever had" but at home, our simple coffee pot owns me.

So when I was arroused from slumber by the familiar blend of arabica wafting through the air, I knew it wasn't a dream. HUBS WAS HOME.

What? I thought he was gone til August/September? Yes, that was definitely the plan. That was the terms of the mission he was tasked to complete. This wasn't some bizzarre secret lie I had to make up in order to blog about his time away (although there will be times when I am fed misinformation but don't know it as OPSEC requires) or there might be times when I allude to but do not tell you something.  Remember this post.  Hubs contacted me with some weird requests but couldn't really tell me anything. For days these strange communications continued.  I started to think he might come home for a few days.  I was really worried about how the Boy Wonder would handle brief return and then I felt anger. It took him a week to get here. I had no real idea of when he would actually make it until yesterday.  
Guess who is changing a diaper right now? Hubs! Guess who is drinking coffee in bed and blogging? Me:)

He will be here long enough to in process (that takes a few days), get ready for the mission, then out process.  He will be gone until the end of the year for this mission.  There won't be any "surprise" I'm home this next time.  You learn to not make plans if your Hubs is in the service.  They own us and our time. You cannot plan on having a baby to fit some schedule because that schedule changes.  We sacrifice for the betterment of our Nation and other nations.  I am proud of my husband.  I struggle with the pain these separations cause our children but this just means I have to be a better mother. 

For now, he is home. I know where he is going and it isn't going to be pretty.  For most of you, the news is just an informative look at what is going on in the world but for me it offers clues to my Hubs safety. For most of you Gadhafi's ramblings just make for a great SNL skit, but I no longer find it amusing.

Time to enjoy this small precious gift of time we have been given. I am thankful.

Just because you can buy in on EBAY doesn't mean you should....

Today I took B and Tiny Tot for some fun time after we picked up B from Preschool. I needed to run out to another baby store to check to see if they had a particular double jogging stroller in stock. We are supposed to walk in a 5k tomorrow but we don't have a double stroller and B would get tired after about 10 minutes. After venturing to the baby store, I took the boys to a restaurant with a playground.   While B snacked on his treat, I fed the baby some yummy fresh fruits.  I put him back in his car seat so he could play with his Bright Starts Toy Bar so I might be able to get 3 bites of salad. 

 Courtesy of Google Images

The frog lights up and plays a few songs. It isn't very loud. If I have the radio on and he plays with it, I cannot hear it.  I am extremely considerate to others in public especially when I have children with me.  No one likes to listen to a crying baby or whining child while they are attempting to enjoy a good meal or get their errands done.  I bring things to entertain both children if we are going out to eat.  I ask B to speak quietly so not to disturb other guests.  I will leave if either child is crying.  This is why what happened next really irked me.

So the alternative couple in the booth next to me had two small children with them.  One was about 18 months and the other 5 or 6.  The guy had tattoos and piercings all over and well so did she.  I am all for self expression and this alone didn't bother me.  The couple wasn't paying any attention to either child as their toddler continued to throw things in our general direction and SCREAM.  B said "Mama, that baby isn't being very nice."  Since we were in a Fast Food place that caters to children, I wasn't too bothered. It wasn't like I was in the middle of enjoying some fancy meal.

The couple became annoyed with their children so they sent them to the play ground, unassisted, to play so they could continue their obnoxious conversation.  At one point, the guy says "That baby's toy is so annoying and loud."  "Really?'  I thought to myself not wanting to set a bad example in front of B and create a scene. "Not nearly as loud and annoying as you dropping the F bomb left and right in front of all of our children while conversing about the lingerie you bought her on EBAY."

Yes, I was delighted to learn that he was so excited for her to put it on and wear it tonight. She was worried it wouldn't fit. She said she would just return it if it didn't.  "No," he reminder her. "I bought it on Ebay but don't worry after all we measured your (insert your own colorful word for "Hoo Ha" aka "Vag") and your 'Up theres' (he actually said a crass word for woman's privates but then was careful to say "Up Theres"-"breasts", heck "boobs" would have been fine). 

So pardon me, while my well behaved children eat their afternoon snack and play QUIETLY at the table. I wouldn't want to ruin your EBAY buying love fest. ...GAG.


Courtesy of Google Images



Oleta Adams here's your new verse

Image courtesy of Wilderness Safaris

You know that song "Get Here" by Oleta Adams? I was popular in the 1990s and became a theme song for many soldiers during the Gulf War. 

This song used to make me laugh, like hysterically laugh. I don't know why. I guess some of the lyrics seem just so absurd.  "You can reach me in a big balloon.." Which incidentally was the inspiration for the song.  The song writer, Brenda Russell, saw a hot air balloon from her Penthouse in Stockholm and thought about all the ways you can travel to get to someone, but I digress.  One of my best friends and I used to make up lyrics to this song, really silly ones.  "You can reach my by taxi cab, but be careful not to step on a crab..."  There were others but I cannot remember them at this moment.  Today, as I walked in the door from taking B to school, the phone rings.  It is my best friend, we will call her "Aurelay." She informs me that E has posted the following on FB:  "Hey, if anyone on FB has MA's phone number, can you call her and let her know that I ditched the wireless here and am in the MWR computer lab waiting to chat with her?"

So, I promptly log on and am able to chat with Hubs for 5 minutes.  I am impressed with both Hubs creativity in contacting me and the speedy success of said contact.  This inspired me to write new lyrics to show our progress in communication technology. After all, this isn't your 1991 war....

 You can reach me by Facebook, post a new status for your friends too look,

 "Tell my wife to get online, because I do not have much time." 

You can send it in an email, tweet it out, girl, just don't fail.

Call her up on your cell phone, before I start to wail.

You could reach her on Myspace, but she prefers the book of Face

You comment on her blog, put on your sneakers and go for a jog

Tell her I am on Yahoo, time for some cyber chat

Skype is down here but we can work around that...

Not my best work but funny just the same.  As we were chatting, little Ms. Adams' voice floods my ears and I start laughing again, until...

I actually search for it on Youtube.  Yeah, when your husband is deployed and 1000s of miles away, it isn't as funny. 

You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab manI don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

You can reach me by sail boat, climb a tree and swing rope to rope
Take a sled and slide down the slope, into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedy colt, cross the border in a blaze of hope
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, surely you would be closer
I need you closer
You can windsurf into my life, take me up on a carpet ride
You can make it in a big balloon, but you better make it soon
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

I don't care how you get here, just -- get here if - you can. 

* Want to make me laugh? Leave your best lyrics to this song in the comments :)

Late at Night

Late at night
In the darkness
I wonder, can you feel me thinking of you? Willing a protective shield around you? Guiding you home...It is in these moments that I feel you. It is as if you are next to me breathing the same air. I never believed a love like this could exist for me. I never thought I could be so close to someone that even when separated by 8 time zones I can still feel you in my mind.

All around me people are experiencing their daily lives unaffected by the headlines. They are blissfully unaware of the significance of the news.  I drive to Preschool each morning unable to turn off NPR. I search for clues of your safety. I know there is nothing there for me to learn. You world is a secret web of intricate details of which only few are privy. Spider spider spinning the web, telling a story, part truth, part imagination designed to keep the masses at bay.

I cannot turn it off, this news. The Tara CDs are quiet for now.
Loving someone you cannot hold more months of a year than you can takes it toll,
when its late at night
and you are alone,
in the darkness. 

I WANT MY DADDY!

Image courtesy of saturdayeveningpost.com

There have been some new developments lately that will impact B but unfortunately, I cannot disclose them here...at least not now.  B was handling E's absence with surprising strength. He rarely cried and except for the occasional "Where's Daddy?" he continued to go about his day as usual, until yesterday.  It was the first time I left him for a play date.  I have had to leave him a couple times to go see clients since Hubs left but it was always in the home with someone watching him here.  Yesterday, he went home from school with one of his best friends.  This child's Dad frequently takes B for the afternoon to enable me to get some work or errands done.  Hubs usually picks him up in the afternoon. When I arrived to get B, I knew almost within seconds the departure wasn't going to go well.  Just seconds before he saw me, I saw him through the window smiling. HM had a container of cookies and they were sitting down to enjoy an afternoon snack.  But once he realized I was there, he collapsed into a puddle. He started sobbing, screaming and throwing his first tantrum of his life. Yes, you read that correctly. Up until yesterday, B was one of the most mild mannered children I have ever met.  He rarely had outburst and NEVER had a full fledged tantrum.  Sure, he would cry sometimes or fold his arms and inform us that he was "very Angry" but nothing like this.  He ran from me. When I tried to hold him and console him he screamed "GET AWAY FROM ME."  For a second, the air escaped my lungs. I felt my chest tighten and the familiar anxiety crept in. Many of you reading may think this is no big deal. Perhaps your child is prone to tantrums or you have seen enough of the grocery store melt downs in stranger's children that this doesn't really seem alarming. 

I was scared to death.  I know he is unique in that he has always been successful in expressing his emotions. We came up with creative ways to vent frustration. We rarely raise our voice at each other or at him so he hadn't learned to scream by example. I stared at my tiny child unable to find the words to reach him.  I took a second, set the baby carrier down and ran to him.  I knew he was hurting so bad that he would refuse my comfort at first but I had to stand firm and show him that I was going to love him through this moment.  He eventually fell into my arms and sobbed. He sobbed so hard my shoulder was soaked in moments.  He cried "I want my Daddy. I miss Daddy. Where is Daddy?"  I stroked his hair and explained to him that Daddy was working and that I missed him too and that it was O.K. to be upset.  I told him that I was here and that he wasn't alone and that Daddy would come back.  I worked him toward the front door and reached for a cookie.  He had refused HM's advances and attempts to console him with a cookie and continued to yell that he didn't want one.  I knew this was the hurt talking.

Once we made it outside, he began sobbing again. What brought this on? I can't be sure but I have a really good idea.  Children are incredibly resilient beings but they are also creatures of habit.  Have you ever picked up your child from Preschool or Sunday School and the minute they see you they dissolve into a puddle of tears?  I learned in Human Growth and Development and my Early Childhood Psychology classes about Attachment Theory.  Basically, the development of close personal relationships with our caregivers. I will spare the long drawn out didactic lesson on AT but I do believe it is what is at play here.  Basically, children form attachments to their parents and caregivers.  They have anxiety associated with separating from the caregivers and in extreme cases can develop disorders from this anxiety.  Some anxiety is normal and processing the separation is important for healthy development.  In preschoolers, often they have anxiety when the parent drops them off at school but then compensates by attaching to the teacher or caregiver.  This new relationship is essential for the child to process the anxiety of separating from the parent. So, once the parent returns, a small amount of anxiety becomes present when separating from the teacher.  It also has been said that the child then remembers the original feelings of anxiety when the parent left that morning and then cries or processes it all over again. 

I believe that B was happily playing at his friend's house prior to my arrival.  He has been processing his father's absence and not responding to any negative feelings associated with it.  When I showed up in lieu of his father today, it rocked his world.  Daddy ALWAYS picks him up from this friend's house. Why was yesterday different? Once he realized that Daddy wasn't picking him up, all the emotion he has felt the past two weeks bubbled up.

I was able to get him fully calm within 10 minutes of the initial outburst.  He looked up at the sky and commented on the gray clouds and then said goodbye to his friend. As predicted, he asked for the cookie when we got in the car.

Today, his teacher asked me if he was having trouble with E's deployment.  I told her about yesterday. She said she would continue to encourage him to use his words. She said he was definitely a different child today and super emotional.  So now I am back to the original reason for this post. There is a new development in Hubs' situation. It is going to impact B.  It was something completely unpredictable but considering the internationl climate and what my Hubs does for a living, nothing is surprising. People are often surprised by the lack of information I have on Hubs' whereabouts or his flight schedule to and from deployments.  It is a matter of National Security.  He doesn't even find out where and when he is leaving until he is handed a boarding pass.  When he arrives "in country", he can tell me his flight plan, until then I know nothing.  Friends and family are often amazed that I really don't know what Hubs does and how much of his life is a "secret" to me.  I remind them that I cannot disclose things that my clients share with me so in a way, we are even.

I just hope little B will be able to adjust soon.  I hate to see him sad.