Rockin' With You

Tara Scheyer

Tara Scheyer has a song entitled "Rockin' With You." It is a sweet peaceful waltz that soothes my soul. I listened to this song a lot during my extended stay at L'Hotel du MCG this summer.  She has a way with words and writes about childhood and motherhood in a way I haven't experienced before.  Tara is the soundtrack of my past summer while I struggled to keep baby S baking and my attempt to make a sweet soon-to-be 3 year old happy at his party that I couldn't attend.   She is who B wants to be when he grows up! 

B adores Ms. Tara and I am not ashamed to admit I have quite a healthy "girl crush" on her as well.  Tara is a songwriter, a musician, a teacher, a mother and a friend.  Her music is fun, easy to listen to and it always puts a smile on my face.  She played B's 3rd birthday party while I was in the hospital.  My sweet husband rigged the web cam so I could watch her concert unfold.

 Now, when I listen to her cds (which is pretty much daily since the minute the car is in drive a sweet tiny voice calls out "Let's listen to Ms. Tara.") I have a visual to accompany each song.  My husband and child dancing with joy not seeming to have a care in the world.  I have tried to express to her how much her music touched me this summer and how special it is to our family but I never quite found the words.  Her songs spoke to me on a cellular level. As my husband will tell you, music has always been a huge part of my life. My father plays music by ear and would play me to sleep each night. I took 8 thousand years of piano, voice and horrid hand bell lessons.  I majored in Musical Theatre (and English) in college.  My husband will also tell you that I listen to music differently than most.  I hear it once and it is forever in my mind. I listen for lyrics finding meaning in the artists words and attach new meaning to the songs as it applies to my life. Isn't that what music is about?

We have a class with Ms. Tara on Saturday mornings.  It is so special to be able to take both boys.  S perks up when she plays a song from one of her CDs. Call me crazy but I believe he recognizes them.

The day before E left, we were driving listening to Ms. Tara and "Rockin' With You" came on.  I mentioned that this was one of my favorites and he said "Mine too."  We drove for the duration of the song listening to the sweet words feeling the impending separation.  I often use music to help process emotion. I knew this song would help me cry once E left, if I indeed needed such help.  I remember feeling a tinge of fear as we drove. I was afraid of how I would feel once I kissed him goodbye. I was afraid of the pain. 

Tonight, I sat down to rock Tiny Tot. Snuggling him close, I inhaled the mixture of lavender and freshly washed baby, and felt his warmth.  He fought sleep at first so I began singing Ms. Tara:

Back & forth and down the lights
It won't get me anywhere, it won't show me any new sights but
Back & forth and close your eyes
My favorite part of the day has arrived

Rocking, I'm rocking, the best thing I do
Rocking my baby, my sweet baby you
Rocking, I'm rocking, I'm rocking it's true
and I'll keep rocking as long as I'm rocking with you

As I sang, the memory of the last day flooded my mind. I thought about my fears and then realized that I hadn't experienced the bone crushing pain when E left this time.  Looking down and my snuggle bunny, I realized that as long as I had the boys, I wasn't sad. They are an extension of us and a tangible if not a literal personification of our love.  No matter how far away he seems, I just squeeze one of them and he is right back with me. It is in these moments that I know I am right where I am supposed to be. I know that being a mother, a good mother, is what I was meant to do.   There are things I will never understand but I no longer feel the deep desire to know them.  My children give me purpose and clarity in a way that no conversations with ghosts of the past could.  Processing life is just another part of growing older. Reclaiming my childhood by experiencing my boys' is priceless.