I know this much is true....

(Image curtesy of Google)

 (Read this book and thought of the title when posting this blog. It is an amaizing read but not related to this post!)

Tonight as I checked wasted time on Facebook, I kept getting distracted by their new "random photo albums of your friends" feature.  Most of them were vacation pics.  Each time I would refresh the page, a new random set of pictures from some friend caught my eye and then it hit me-there he was, tiny, fighting for his life, my sweet baby.  This might sound really strange to most of you but I hadn't looked at those pictures since they were posted. I wasn't ready to look but as if my body was usurped by some other being, I began clicking through my "friend's" aka my Husband's album of Tiny Tot's first days.  I am overwhelmed with emotion and somewhat surprised as to how raw the situation still is to me.  Just yesterday, I was planning on writing a health update to post on Tiny Tot's care pages. Part of what I was planning on discussing was why I had been MIA from that site for so long.  I was processing. Once he was home safe, I began to process the entire experience.  There is much more that I want need to write about but as a single tear rolls down my face, I realize that I am not there yet. Looking at a particular picture of him hooked up to all the bells and whistles cause my heart to beat harder and sent a wave of anxiety through my body.  I thought I was ready to talk about it, but I'm not. 

I think when I am less tired and emotionally drained, I will sit down and compose the thoughts that have been spinning in my head. Perhaps I will be able to clear the cobwebs from my brain once I get more sleep. Baby S hasn't been feeling well as of late and we are dealing with lung/ear/gastro issues again.  It is a journey. I know I am so incredibly blessed to have him here keeping me up until 4am.  I know that the alternative is unbearable to even type.  Last night, as I held him for hours trying every trick in the book to give him some relief and induce sleep I kept feeling blessed. This is what I prayed for, a fighter. These sleepless nights are like tiny packages neatly wrapped waiting under the tree on Christmas Morning. I welcome each struggle to maintain my sanity now that I am functioning on little sleep.  Just as I made it through the murky waters of the NICU, I will survive this new chapter.

I know he will get healthy and eventually start sleeping again.
I may not be ready to fully relive and discuss it but
I know this much is true:
I would do it all over again,
just to have one day of
loving S.