I cannot believe it is already Sunday night! I feel like we were going nonstop this weekend. I felt sad and down for the first time Friday night but I know it was in part because I was coming down with an ear/sinus infection and my energy was zapped. I didn't get as much done this weekend as I would have liked. The house still needs some cleaning and there are errands to be run. This week is going to be busier than this weekend! It is prep week for the Junior League's annual Attic Sale. As PR Chair, I have to go and photograph so we have good press shots for next year's sale! I have a Junior League meeting, at least one Closing, S has a Dr.'s appointment and the Attic Sale Preview Party is Friday. Attic Sale begins Saturday morning. I will probably feel blessed to make it to Saturday in one piece!
When I am less exhausted and have more time. I will write about our Sunday Funday but right now a sweet baby is calling....
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Love Thy Neighbor
The book of Matthew urges us to "Love thy Neighbor..." It sure makes it easy when you wake up to this:
I woke up to the Boy Wonder tapping me on the shoulder. He says "Momma, Sean and Savannah are cleaning our leaves..." I was a bit groggy after a long night of the usual Baby Olympics topped off with some generic Nyquil. "Sean and Savannah are what?" Wondering what my sweet child had imagined the neighbor kids doing. "Come on Mama! I have been talking to them. I want to go outside." Tugging the tie on my robe, I unwillingly stumble into the front room to. B runs to the front door, his Elmo stool pushed up to the mail slot. He bends over and peers through and turns to me and says "Open the door, take that chain off." At this moment I am so relieved that we do indeed have a chain and my door isn't the type that a Preschooler could easily open when I realize the Boy Wonder is Naked from the waist down. "BooBeDoo, um where are your pants?"
After dressing B, I realized that I had slept a healthy 4 hours without being summoned from the Babelet. I went in to find him awake and smiling in his crib. Wow, this is a first! He usually won't sleep in his crib for longer than two hours at night and when he wakes, he isn't happy about it. I scooped him up and opened the front door with a now clothed Boy Wonder by my side. Much to my surprise, the neighbors and their children were pulling weeds and raking up leaves! So B hadn't made it up! "Good Morning!"
And what a Good Morning it was! They know E is gone and that I amsingled right now losing my mind :) The offered to watch B while I tended to the disaster that had accumulated the past two days I was attempting to fight a cold/sinus infection/ear infection. It is amazing how out of control the house can get in two days! I was able to get three loads of laundry done, take out the trash, pick up the living room, unload and reload the dishes! I offered to pick up lunch for the neighbors in an attempt to thank them for their kindness. They really are amazing people.
So thank you neighbors, you are LOVED!
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| Image Courtesy of Google Images |
After dressing B, I realized that I had slept a healthy 4 hours without being summoned from the Babelet. I went in to find him awake and smiling in his crib. Wow, this is a first! He usually won't sleep in his crib for longer than two hours at night and when he wakes, he isn't happy about it. I scooped him up and opened the front door with a now clothed Boy Wonder by my side. Much to my surprise, the neighbors and their children were pulling weeds and raking up leaves! So B hadn't made it up! "Good Morning!"
And what a Good Morning it was! They know E is gone and that I am
So thank you neighbors, you are LOVED!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
While you travel the world...
B's mind is constantly going. He soaks up the daily grind of the world like a sponge. He wonders out loud "What is that Sprinkler doing?"
"Watering the lawn", I reply.
"You mean, the grass," he says emphatically correcting me.
"Yes, B. 'Lawn' is another word for 'grass'."
"What's that cable repair truck doing?"
"..um repairing a cable", I tell him.
"What is that truck doing in the road Mama?"
It goes on and on. This might seem like a simple exchange between a 3 year old and a mother but he is asking because he is truly interested. He will take that tidbit of information and store it and then wow some stranger with his new found knowledge. You tell him something once, he holds onto it forever. He is extremely sensitive and impressionable. When something extraordinary happens in his world, it will take days sometimes weeks for him to fully process it and move on.
My father enjoys taking B grocery shopping with him, a treat I often enjoyed as a child. One day, upon returning from the store, B was wide eyed and talking away. I couldn't fully grasp what he was conveying. He repeated words like "crashed" and "mess." Finally, my father helped him retell his story. He witnessed a jar of something fall off a shelf and shatter on the floor in an aisle. The store clerk came and cleaned it up. This event was stressful to little B. He retold the story over and over and just when I thought he was ready to put it to bed, he would retell it again. Little things would set it off-a trip to the grocery store, seeing a jar at home, watching E or myself clean up a mess.
A couple weekends before E left, we met my parents at the S & S Cafeteria for Sunday Dinner. As we were about to open the door to enter, we heard a loud explosion followed by lights flickering. A truck crashed into a light pole outside the restaurant and blew up the transformer. The police and fire department came. It was a huge ordeal for all of us but especially our little B. He talks about the "crash into that pole" and the "lit" that falls down (his word for sparks). Each day he retells the story and gains a little more clarity. He asks "Why that truck did that ?" I calmly answer him each time. Lately, he started saying "I know why that truck just crashed, Mama. He wasn't a safe driver. He let go of the wheel. You are a safe driver. We don't crash into that bus." His little brain is working over time to process this event.
He is a thinker, a feeler, an observer and an internalizer. He is a lot like me. You can't fool him. He is too quick. You move something out of place and he will be the first to ask "Hey, why did you put that there?" I do think his observations and memory recall are signs of intelligence. I also thing they are signs of emotional vulnerability. He reminds me of me at 3. Three was a hard year for me. It was the year my mother left. People would say "Oh she was too young to remember." Not true. I remember the day she left vividly. I remember what she was wearing, what she packed and how it made me feel. I was confused, overwhelmed, anxious. I have processed these memories now that I am an adult. I am at a better place but I fear what this separation is doing to sweet B.
I know that E will come back. I know a divorce and a deployment are totally different but I also believe that B is more impacted than most realize. Every day we pull into the drive way, he asks "Where's Daddy?" He knows Daddy isn't here but he needs to hear me say it. During the first week E was gone, I served dinner and B told me that we had to wait for Daddy. I once again explained that Daddy was on a trip and wouldn't be back for a while. B replied "When he gets home, he is going to have to eat a lot of dinners." For B, life isn't going on for his Daddy. He thinks he is going to have to return and do all the things he would have done had he been here. He doesn't understand that his Daddy is eating and sleeping where he is...if he can't see him, he must not be doing these things.
I tried to use the calendar to help B understand. He is learning the months and the days of the week at Preschool. I showed him how many pages we have to tear off before Daddy can come home. He just replied "Silly Mama, just tear them off now and then Daddy will be home." You see, B, as most 3 year olds, is very literal. He is my Amelia Bedelia. I also explained to him that we would have to have summer first and go swimming before Daddy came home. The other day one of our dear friends came over for a play date. B asked her if he could come over to go swimming at her pool. She took him last year. She looked perplexed and told him it wasn't time yet. I know what he was thinking..."If I go swimming, Daddy will come home."
I am doing the best I can to reassure him that we love him and that he is safe. I am keeping him on a predictable schedule. He always asks "What's going to be after my nap? What is going to be after dinner? What is going to be after we read a book?" He craves predictability. I am also planning special outings to help him enjoy the time. We are going to see You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown this weekend. We will see Cinderella next weekend. I am taking him to do another craft at Home Depot each month. We will take trips to the Zoo, Aquarium and Science museum in the summer. I am considering taking him to see the Harlem Globetrotters and Disney Live. I know these things can't replace his Dad but hopefully they will help the time pass.
So much reminds us both of E. Even children's programming on PBS Kids isn't safe to watch! There is a song by the Laughing Pizza's that comes on sometimes and it makes me think of E and B eventhough it is written from the perspective of a little girl.
You are my Daddy
I am your girl
You’re the best daddy in the whole wide world
I miss you so
When you go away
Won’t you come home soon so that we can play?
The way we love to play
You throw me up
So high in the air
But I know that you’ll catch me
You’ll always be there
You push me higher
So high in my swing
‘till I feel like I’m flying
Just like a bird with wings
Like a bird with wings
But Mommy won’t watch
No she just turns away
She gets too nervous the way that we play
Oh it just makes us giggle
It’s like a joke that we share
‘Cause whatever we do
I feel so safe in your care
You’re the best Daddy
And I’m your best girl
And please know that I love you
While you travel the world
There’s no one like you
And there’ll never be
You’re my prince, you’re my Daddy
Forever my Daddy
You’re the best Daddy for me
Right now, there is nothing worse than hearing that little voice say "I miss Daddy." Luckily, he doesn't expect me to turn around and look at him while I am driving because "that wouldn't be safe driving." He doesn't have to see the tear streaked face when I say "Me too, baby, me too."
"Watering the lawn", I reply.
"You mean, the grass," he says emphatically correcting me.
"Yes, B. 'Lawn' is another word for 'grass'."
"What's that cable repair truck doing?"
"..um repairing a cable", I tell him.
"What is that truck doing in the road Mama?"
It goes on and on. This might seem like a simple exchange between a 3 year old and a mother but he is asking because he is truly interested. He will take that tidbit of information and store it and then wow some stranger with his new found knowledge. You tell him something once, he holds onto it forever. He is extremely sensitive and impressionable. When something extraordinary happens in his world, it will take days sometimes weeks for him to fully process it and move on.
My father enjoys taking B grocery shopping with him, a treat I often enjoyed as a child. One day, upon returning from the store, B was wide eyed and talking away. I couldn't fully grasp what he was conveying. He repeated words like "crashed" and "mess." Finally, my father helped him retell his story. He witnessed a jar of something fall off a shelf and shatter on the floor in an aisle. The store clerk came and cleaned it up. This event was stressful to little B. He retold the story over and over and just when I thought he was ready to put it to bed, he would retell it again. Little things would set it off-a trip to the grocery store, seeing a jar at home, watching E or myself clean up a mess.
A couple weekends before E left, we met my parents at the S & S Cafeteria for Sunday Dinner. As we were about to open the door to enter, we heard a loud explosion followed by lights flickering. A truck crashed into a light pole outside the restaurant and blew up the transformer. The police and fire department came. It was a huge ordeal for all of us but especially our little B. He talks about the "crash into that pole" and the "lit" that falls down (his word for sparks). Each day he retells the story and gains a little more clarity. He asks "Why that truck did that ?" I calmly answer him each time. Lately, he started saying "I know why that truck just crashed, Mama. He wasn't a safe driver. He let go of the wheel. You are a safe driver. We don't crash into that bus." His little brain is working over time to process this event.
He is a thinker, a feeler, an observer and an internalizer. He is a lot like me. You can't fool him. He is too quick. You move something out of place and he will be the first to ask "Hey, why did you put that there?" I do think his observations and memory recall are signs of intelligence. I also thing they are signs of emotional vulnerability. He reminds me of me at 3. Three was a hard year for me. It was the year my mother left. People would say "Oh she was too young to remember." Not true. I remember the day she left vividly. I remember what she was wearing, what she packed and how it made me feel. I was confused, overwhelmed, anxious. I have processed these memories now that I am an adult. I am at a better place but I fear what this separation is doing to sweet B.
I know that E will come back. I know a divorce and a deployment are totally different but I also believe that B is more impacted than most realize. Every day we pull into the drive way, he asks "Where's Daddy?" He knows Daddy isn't here but he needs to hear me say it. During the first week E was gone, I served dinner and B told me that we had to wait for Daddy. I once again explained that Daddy was on a trip and wouldn't be back for a while. B replied "When he gets home, he is going to have to eat a lot of dinners." For B, life isn't going on for his Daddy. He thinks he is going to have to return and do all the things he would have done had he been here. He doesn't understand that his Daddy is eating and sleeping where he is...if he can't see him, he must not be doing these things.
I tried to use the calendar to help B understand. He is learning the months and the days of the week at Preschool. I showed him how many pages we have to tear off before Daddy can come home. He just replied "Silly Mama, just tear them off now and then Daddy will be home." You see, B, as most 3 year olds, is very literal. He is my Amelia Bedelia. I also explained to him that we would have to have summer first and go swimming before Daddy came home. The other day one of our dear friends came over for a play date. B asked her if he could come over to go swimming at her pool. She took him last year. She looked perplexed and told him it wasn't time yet. I know what he was thinking..."If I go swimming, Daddy will come home."
I am doing the best I can to reassure him that we love him and that he is safe. I am keeping him on a predictable schedule. He always asks "What's going to be after my nap? What is going to be after dinner? What is going to be after we read a book?" He craves predictability. I am also planning special outings to help him enjoy the time. We are going to see You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown this weekend. We will see Cinderella next weekend. I am taking him to do another craft at Home Depot each month. We will take trips to the Zoo, Aquarium and Science museum in the summer. I am considering taking him to see the Harlem Globetrotters and Disney Live. I know these things can't replace his Dad but hopefully they will help the time pass.
So much reminds us both of E. Even children's programming on PBS Kids isn't safe to watch! There is a song by the Laughing Pizza's that comes on sometimes and it makes me think of E and B eventhough it is written from the perspective of a little girl.
You are my Daddy
I am your girl
You’re the best daddy in the whole wide world
I miss you so
When you go away
Won’t you come home soon so that we can play?
The way we love to play
You throw me up
So high in the air
But I know that you’ll catch me
You’ll always be there
You push me higher
So high in my swing
‘till I feel like I’m flying
Just like a bird with wings
Like a bird with wings
But Mommy won’t watch
No she just turns away
She gets too nervous the way that we play
Oh it just makes us giggle
It’s like a joke that we share
‘Cause whatever we do
I feel so safe in your care
You’re the best Daddy
And I’m your best girl
And please know that I love you
While you travel the world
There’s no one like you
And there’ll never be
You’re my prince, you’re my Daddy
Forever my Daddy
You’re the best Daddy for me
Right now, there is nothing worse than hearing that little voice say "I miss Daddy." Luckily, he doesn't expect me to turn around and look at him while I am driving because "that wouldn't be safe driving." He doesn't have to see the tear streaked face when I say "Me too, baby, me too."
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I know this much is true....
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(Image curtesy of Google) (Read this book and thought of the title when posting this blog. It is an amaizing read but not related to this post!) |
I think when I am less tired and emotionally drained, I will sit down and compose the thoughts that have been spinning in my head. Perhaps I will be able to clear the cobwebs from my brain once I get more sleep. Baby S hasn't been feeling well as of late and we are dealing with lung/ear/gastro issues again. It is a journey. I know I am so incredibly blessed to have him here keeping me up until 4am. I know that the alternative is unbearable to even type. Last night, as I held him for hours trying every trick in the book to give him some relief and induce sleep I kept feeling blessed. This is what I prayed for, a fighter. These sleepless nights are like tiny packages neatly wrapped waiting under the tree on Christmas Morning. I welcome each struggle to maintain my sanity now that I am functioning on little sleep. Just as I made it through the murky waters of the NICU, I will survive this new chapter.
I know he will get healthy and eventually start sleeping again.
I may not be ready to fully relive and discuss it but
I know this much is true:
I would do it all over again,
just to have one day of
loving S.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Night
For the most part, I have been doing just fine. However, once the boys were down tonight and I climbed into the bed it hit me. I miss you. "Goodbye My Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy is playing in my head as I think of you. They lyrics aren't fitting for our situation as I believe the song is about the ending of a relationship that never got started. I don't remember when I first heard this song but I believe it was on a television show. It has a very moving sound and conveys sadness well.
If I close my eyes, I can feel you next to me. My hands tiptoe across the sheets daring to reach the emptiness forcing me to realize that you aren't here. I am so surprised that the crashing sense of grief hasn't hit me. The first few times you had to leave, I thought my shredded heart would never heal. Perhaps I have become accustomed to this pain or developed coping mechanisms. The children are a huge help in that I don't have time to feel sorry for myself. They give me joy daily so it is hard to be sad in their presence. We have grown so much over the years. I feel so blessed to have someone in my life that loves me unconditionally. You give so much to this family. I love that I don't have to worry about your commitment. I feel secure and connected even when you are on the other side of the world. That proves to me that we will go the distance.
You are the type of man I would wish for my sweet cousins to find. When I was a small child I hated the night but not for the typical childhood reasons. I didn't fear the darkness but the solitude that came with it. I loathed quiet and would have waves of anxiety if I was still awake when everyone went to bed. I didn't realize then that I was afraid of my feelings afraid of the loneliness. As long as I could hear my parents milling about or my father playing the organ, I could distract myself from the pain. I had tons of unanswered questions and didn't understand many of the emotions that come with divorce, abandonment, new marriages, and blended families. I do remember praying to God that I would someday find peace and happiness. When I was old enough to imagine a future husband, I would often wonder what he was doing at that very minute. I learned to take comfort in knowing that somewhere out there a man was in the making, growing up, maturing learning to love. Now I know, in the quiet darkness, the prayers were for you.
You have loved me despite all my cracks and bruises. You have given me a beautiful family. This separation is temporary, our bond eternal.
So I will sleep well tonight knowing that when you wake, you will think of me.
Thank you for serving us. Thank you for risking your life. Thank you for giving me so much more than I could ever express in a little blog. You are my hero.
If I close my eyes, I can feel you next to me. My hands tiptoe across the sheets daring to reach the emptiness forcing me to realize that you aren't here. I am so surprised that the crashing sense of grief hasn't hit me. The first few times you had to leave, I thought my shredded heart would never heal. Perhaps I have become accustomed to this pain or developed coping mechanisms. The children are a huge help in that I don't have time to feel sorry for myself. They give me joy daily so it is hard to be sad in their presence. We have grown so much over the years. I feel so blessed to have someone in my life that loves me unconditionally. You give so much to this family. I love that I don't have to worry about your commitment. I feel secure and connected even when you are on the other side of the world. That proves to me that we will go the distance.
You are the type of man I would wish for my sweet cousins to find. When I was a small child I hated the night but not for the typical childhood reasons. I didn't fear the darkness but the solitude that came with it. I loathed quiet and would have waves of anxiety if I was still awake when everyone went to bed. I didn't realize then that I was afraid of my feelings afraid of the loneliness. As long as I could hear my parents milling about or my father playing the organ, I could distract myself from the pain. I had tons of unanswered questions and didn't understand many of the emotions that come with divorce, abandonment, new marriages, and blended families. I do remember praying to God that I would someday find peace and happiness. When I was old enough to imagine a future husband, I would often wonder what he was doing at that very minute. I learned to take comfort in knowing that somewhere out there a man was in the making, growing up, maturing learning to love. Now I know, in the quiet darkness, the prayers were for you.
You have loved me despite all my cracks and bruises. You have given me a beautiful family. This separation is temporary, our bond eternal.
So I will sleep well tonight knowing that when you wake, you will think of me.
Thank you for serving us. Thank you for risking your life. Thank you for giving me so much more than I could ever express in a little blog. You are my hero.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Rockin' With You
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| Tara Scheyer |
B adores Ms. Tara and I am not ashamed to admit I have quite a healthy "girl crush" on her as well. Tara is a songwriter, a musician, a teacher, a mother and a friend. Her music is fun, easy to listen to and it always puts a smile on my face. She played B's 3rd birthday party while I was in the hospital. My sweet husband rigged the web cam so I could watch her concert unfold.
Now, when I listen to her cds (which is pretty much daily since the minute the car is in drive a sweet tiny voice calls out "Let's listen to Ms. Tara.") I have a visual to accompany each song. My husband and child dancing with joy not seeming to have a care in the world. I have tried to express to her how much her music touched me this summer and how special it is to our family but I never quite found the words. Her songs spoke to me on a cellular level. As my husband will tell you, music has always been a huge part of my life. My father plays music by ear and would play me to sleep each night. I took 8 thousand years of piano, voice and horrid hand bell lessons. I majored in Musical Theatre (and English) in college. My husband will also tell you that I listen to music differently than most. I hear it once and it is forever in my mind. I listen for lyrics finding meaning in the artists words and attach new meaning to the songs as it applies to my life. Isn't that what music is about?
We have a class with Ms. Tara on Saturday mornings. It is so special to be able to take both boys. S perks up when she plays a song from one of her CDs. Call me crazy but I believe he recognizes them.
The day before E left, we were driving listening to Ms. Tara and "Rockin' With You" came on. I mentioned that this was one of my favorites and he said "Mine too." We drove for the duration of the song listening to the sweet words feeling the impending separation. I often use music to help process emotion. I knew this song would help me cry once E left, if I indeed needed such help. I remember feeling a tinge of fear as we drove. I was afraid of how I would feel once I kissed him goodbye. I was afraid of the pain.
Tonight, I sat down to rock Tiny Tot. Snuggling him close, I inhaled the mixture of lavender and freshly washed baby, and felt his warmth. He fought sleep at first so I began singing Ms. Tara:
Back & forth and down the lights
It won't get me anywhere, it won't show me any new sights but
Back & forth and close your eyes
My favorite part of the day has arrived
Rocking, I'm rocking, the best thing I do
Rocking my baby, my sweet baby you
Rocking, I'm rocking, I'm rocking it's true
and I'll keep rocking as long as I'm rocking with you
As I sang, the memory of the last day flooded my mind. I thought about my fears and then realized that I hadn't experienced the bone crushing pain when E left this time. Looking down and my snuggle bunny, I realized that as long as I had the boys, I wasn't sad. They are an extension of us and a tangible if not a literal personification of our love. No matter how far away he seems, I just squeeze one of them and he is right back with me. It is in these moments that I know I am right where I am supposed to be. I know that being a mother, a good mother, is what I was meant to do. There are things I will never understand but I no longer feel the deep desire to know them. My children give me purpose and clarity in a way that no conversations with ghosts of the past could. Processing life is just another part of growing older. Reclaiming my childhood by experiencing my boys' is priceless.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow!
So last night I began beating myself up mentally due to the lack of cleaning I got done yesterday. The Boy Wonder was in my bed hacking up a lung and I was out of cough medicine. Tiny Tot was super fussy and refused to sleep. We were all in our PJ's and the thought of dragging two sick ones out in the dark to get cough medicine was daunting. Exhausted from a hectic day, I began to doubt my ability to do this single parent thing. I reminded myself that I am in the midst of a Crohn's flare contributing to my overwhelming fatigue. I also had a small proceedure done at the Dr's office yesterday so I knew I would feel somewhat crappy.
So I did what most women do in time of emotional crisis, I turned to my friends. Lambchop or LC (no that isn't her real name) was extremely helpful last night. She is also a mother of two and her hubs travels for work. She spends a good bit of time on her own. She also writes a hilarious blog. You can find it by clicking on the hyperlink above! I knew she would understand. She let me vent and then offered up a solution to B's cough. She suggested covering the soles of his feet with Vicks Vapor Rub and socks. I am a natural skeptic but at this point, I would do anything to give the Boy Wonder relief. I scrambled to the bathroom and was in luck! We had a pot of Baby Rub left over from B's infant days..wait would this work? LC assured me it was all the same.
I slathered him up, covered his feet with socks and waited. About thirty minutes later we all had relief! LC let me vent about Crohn's and about my feelings of inadequacies in the cleaning-the-house department all the while reassuring me that we all have bad days. Not only did this conversation reinforce my belief that LC is a mothering genius, it also made me appreciate our long time friendship even more.
Sure the dishes were piled in the sink, laundry had long since cooled and wrinkled in the dryer, the trash needed taking out, the bathroom was littered with towels and boats from a certain 3 year-old's fleet, neither child had a bath and we were out of just about everything food related..... BUT
Tiny Tot had HOMEMADE baby food that I had managed to make and freeze before McDr departed. The Boy Wonder had a tummy full of healthy dinner. So what if all I managed to eat was a hand full of cereal and bite of an "all natural, nitrate free" hot dog. The boys were in clean PJ's, even if their bodies weren't! B's teeth were brushed, his prayers were said he was read to and cuddled. The boys were safe. They were loved. Isn't that what was important?
And just as LC assured me, the sun actually did rise this morning creating a new day of possibilities! I told you she was a genius;) She would be proud to know that I was able to accomplish so much this morning. I took the boys to breakfast, went grocery shopping and dropped off prescriptions. When I got home, Tiny Tot was fast asleep so I used this time to: put away groceries, unload and reload the dishwasher, soak the stuff from my pump, take out the trash and recycling, return the fleet of ships to the cubby under the sink, gather the towels, refluff the dryer, start a new load of laundry, make lunch for B, pump milk for the night bottle, put the NetFlix in the mail, cut up a canteloupe for the week, monitor B while he cleaned his playroom, put B down for a nap and write this lovely entry!
I think the ebb and flow of the week just serves as gentle reminders that we are all human. So if you are a single paren treading this (or even just a parent) remember that the good days are just around the corner. Don't beat yourself up if you are still in your PJ's at 3 o'clock and the children haven't had baths. If they are fed, warm, and loved you are doing just fine!
Tiny T is still sleeping so I shouldn't tempt fate and waste anymore time online. I think I am going to use the remainder of his nap to eat something slightly more appetising than last night's dinner.
So I did what most women do in time of emotional crisis, I turned to my friends. Lambchop or LC (no that isn't her real name) was extremely helpful last night. She is also a mother of two and her hubs travels for work. She spends a good bit of time on her own. She also writes a hilarious blog. You can find it by clicking on the hyperlink above! I knew she would understand. She let me vent and then offered up a solution to B's cough. She suggested covering the soles of his feet with Vicks Vapor Rub and socks. I am a natural skeptic but at this point, I would do anything to give the Boy Wonder relief. I scrambled to the bathroom and was in luck! We had a pot of Baby Rub left over from B's infant days..wait would this work? LC assured me it was all the same.
I slathered him up, covered his feet with socks and waited. About thirty minutes later we all had relief! LC let me vent about Crohn's and about my feelings of inadequacies in the cleaning-the-house department all the while reassuring me that we all have bad days. Not only did this conversation reinforce my belief that LC is a mothering genius, it also made me appreciate our long time friendship even more.
Sure the dishes were piled in the sink, laundry had long since cooled and wrinkled in the dryer, the trash needed taking out, the bathroom was littered with towels and boats from a certain 3 year-old's fleet, neither child had a bath and we were out of just about everything food related..... BUT
Tiny Tot had HOMEMADE baby food that I had managed to make and freeze before McDr departed. The Boy Wonder had a tummy full of healthy dinner. So what if all I managed to eat was a hand full of cereal and bite of an "all natural, nitrate free" hot dog. The boys were in clean PJ's, even if their bodies weren't! B's teeth were brushed, his prayers were said he was read to and cuddled. The boys were safe. They were loved. Isn't that what was important?
And just as LC assured me, the sun actually did rise this morning creating a new day of possibilities! I told you she was a genius;) She would be proud to know that I was able to accomplish so much this morning. I took the boys to breakfast, went grocery shopping and dropped off prescriptions. When I got home, Tiny Tot was fast asleep so I used this time to: put away groceries, unload and reload the dishwasher, soak the stuff from my pump, take out the trash and recycling, return the fleet of ships to the cubby under the sink, gather the towels, refluff the dryer, start a new load of laundry, make lunch for B, pump milk for the night bottle, put the NetFlix in the mail, cut up a canteloupe for the week, monitor B while he cleaned his playroom, put B down for a nap and write this lovely entry!
I think the ebb and flow of the week just serves as gentle reminders that we are all human. So if you are a single paren treading this (or even just a parent) remember that the good days are just around the corner. Don't beat yourself up if you are still in your PJ's at 3 o'clock and the children haven't had baths. If they are fed, warm, and loved you are doing just fine!
Tiny T is still sleeping so I shouldn't tempt fate and waste anymore time online. I think I am going to use the remainder of his nap to eat something slightly more appetising than last night's dinner.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Heavy
My eyelids and heart are heavy as I write this blog. The Universe was definitely testing me today or either God was watching out for me or both. After I dropped off at his unit, I headed to the PX to get Tiny Tot's and my refills. I picked up B from school, gave him a snack, then put him down for quiet time. Tiny Tot was asleep for an unusual long time. When he woke up, I knew something was wrong. He was burning up and had the worst cough. He has a chronic cough due to his Lung Disease but this was a different sound. He would cry out after coughing and then pant. I got his inhalers and did his treatments in order to help him breathe. I didn't notice an improvement and he had a 100.00 temperature.
I got on the phone and called his Pediatrician. I kept getting voicemail and the message that they were busy blah blah. I called his Pulmonologist only to learn that she was out on a week's vacation. I called the NICU clinic to talk to his Neonatologist and Neurologist. They suggested the ER if I couldn't get in touch with the Ped. I got B up from his nap, grabbed a handful of toys and off we went. I started calling all B's friends in hopes to find someone to watch him so he didn't have to sit in an ER but no one was available. Instead of pulling into the ER, I decided to turn into the Ped's office. I ran in and explained to the nurse what was going on and she said the Dr. would see him! HOORAY!
We learned that Tiny Tot has Croup again and he definitely has a nasty ear infection. The ear infection is the 2nd one in less than two months so we are going to more than likely end up with yet another specialist, an ENT. He got a steroid shot to help with the esophageal inflammation and a prescription for an antibiotic. Yay for Decadron. Now I know why our sweet baby wasn't sleeping the past 10 days. He is such a happy baby. He rarely complains. Even with a bloody ear canal, he was smiling at the doctor and flirting with the nurses. Dr. S told me not to beat myself up for not realizing his inability to sleep was more than likely due to an ear infection. After all, we were a bit distracted this week.
I learned today that I can handle stress and motherhood alone. It is less stressful with E here but not impossible. Not once did I lose control or break down in tears. I didn't feel sorry for myself or freak out. I just did what needed to be done. In a way, I am glad this happened today. It reinforced the idea that I can handle this deployment.
Tiny Tot didn't give me any trouble tonight. I rocked him until he was sleepy and then put him down IN HIS CRIB. He fell asleep on his own. He is right next door and the monitor is on. He will probably end up in our room after he wakes up again but I am glad I am able to start him in his own room so I can get ready for bed without having to wake him. *Yes, he just woke up...oh well at least he started out there.
E called me to let me know that he was boarding his flight in Atlanta. He has a 13 hour flight then a layover. Tonight, I told B that it was time to go to bed. I told him I was going to bed when he did. He said "But we have to wait for Daddy." I told him yet again that Daddy wasn't coming home tonight. B asked me where he was again. I said "The Middle East." B said "I don't like that Middle East."
Yeah, me either.
I got on the phone and called his Pediatrician. I kept getting voicemail and the message that they were busy blah blah. I called his Pulmonologist only to learn that she was out on a week's vacation. I called the NICU clinic to talk to his Neonatologist and Neurologist. They suggested the ER if I couldn't get in touch with the Ped. I got B up from his nap, grabbed a handful of toys and off we went. I started calling all B's friends in hopes to find someone to watch him so he didn't have to sit in an ER but no one was available. Instead of pulling into the ER, I decided to turn into the Ped's office. I ran in and explained to the nurse what was going on and she said the Dr. would see him! HOORAY!
We learned that Tiny Tot has Croup again and he definitely has a nasty ear infection. The ear infection is the 2nd one in less than two months so we are going to more than likely end up with yet another specialist, an ENT. He got a steroid shot to help with the esophageal inflammation and a prescription for an antibiotic. Yay for Decadron. Now I know why our sweet baby wasn't sleeping the past 10 days. He is such a happy baby. He rarely complains. Even with a bloody ear canal, he was smiling at the doctor and flirting with the nurses. Dr. S told me not to beat myself up for not realizing his inability to sleep was more than likely due to an ear infection. After all, we were a bit distracted this week.
I learned today that I can handle stress and motherhood alone. It is less stressful with E here but not impossible. Not once did I lose control or break down in tears. I didn't feel sorry for myself or freak out. I just did what needed to be done. In a way, I am glad this happened today. It reinforced the idea that I can handle this deployment.
Tiny Tot didn't give me any trouble tonight. I rocked him until he was sleepy and then put him down IN HIS CRIB. He fell asleep on his own. He is right next door and the monitor is on. He will probably end up in our room after he wakes up again but I am glad I am able to start him in his own room so I can get ready for bed without having to wake him. *Yes, he just woke up...oh well at least he started out there.
E called me to let me know that he was boarding his flight in Atlanta. He has a 13 hour flight then a layover. Tonight, I told B that it was time to go to bed. I told him I was going to bed when he did. He said "But we have to wait for Daddy." I told him yet again that Daddy wasn't coming home tonight. B asked me where he was again. I said "The Middle East." B said "I don't like that Middle East."
Yeah, me either.
And So It Begins
Sitting in the quiet house alone, I have yet to sob. I dropped E off a couple hours ago and then ran some errands. A part of me is still in denial, "He is just at work" my mind is telling me. I know it will set in when darkness falls and both boys need me. I have to be strong as I am now both Mommy and Daddy to the boys. I have to be the strong arms that protect and calm when B has a bad dream. I have to be the jokester that never fails to bring a giggle from our tiny tot or boisterous laugh from the boy wonder. It will sink in later.
When I can't open a jar or reach something high up
When the trash overflows and I have to take it out
When the washer is done and I have to transfer it to the dryer,
When something needs to go up in the attic,
When a stranger comes to the door in the darkness and I don't want to answer,
When I have to sit in the waiting room alone at one of Tiny Tot's many Doctor's appointments
When I can't make a Lego airplane quite like Daddy does..
When my back hurts and I need it cracked..
When the children are fast asleep and I roll over and stare at the empty bed, I will know. He is gone.
My sadness is tempered with the knowledge that he is coming back. Although the initial separation feels like a death and the grieving process is similar, I am reminded that others aren't so lucky. There are plenty of single parents out there that have to do all this alone because their spouse is dead. They don't get to countdown the days. They don't get to look forward to an earthly homecoming. For this, I am thankful.
I just have to keep telling myself
"When E goes away, He always comes back."
When I can't open a jar or reach something high up
When the trash overflows and I have to take it out
When the washer is done and I have to transfer it to the dryer,
When something needs to go up in the attic,
When a stranger comes to the door in the darkness and I don't want to answer,
When I have to sit in the waiting room alone at one of Tiny Tot's many Doctor's appointments
When I can't make a Lego airplane quite like Daddy does..
When my back hurts and I need it cracked..
When the children are fast asleep and I roll over and stare at the empty bed, I will know. He is gone.
My sadness is tempered with the knowledge that he is coming back. Although the initial separation feels like a death and the grieving process is similar, I am reminded that others aren't so lucky. There are plenty of single parents out there that have to do all this alone because their spouse is dead. They don't get to countdown the days. They don't get to look forward to an earthly homecoming. For this, I am thankful.
I just have to keep telling myself
"When E goes away, He always comes back."
Monday, February 14, 2011
Leavin' On a Jet Plane
When I was younger, we had a songbook filled with 60s and 70s ballads. I loved singing through the songbook as I played the piano. I had a hard time getting through "Leavin’ on a Jet Plane" without tearing up. The song mastered the sadness associated with separation and loss. I shouldn’t have been able to relate to such a sad song at that tender age but since my parents were divorced, I knew all too well about separation and loss. As I lay in bed tonight, I can’t help but hear Peter Paul and Mary singing Denver’s classic. Mary’s voice filled with anticipation and pain and she wails through the chorus. E is in the other room packing. Both children are fast asleep. I know that this time tomorrow night, he will be far far away and yet my mind is still in denial. I don’t truly start to process our separation until our last hug. This will be the 4th time he has left for a significant amount of time but it is the first time that B is old enough to understand the impact of his father’s absence.
We decided not to tell B that Daddy was leaving until a few days ago. We didn’t want to worry him unnecessarily but we also wanted to give him a few days to process and react while E was still here. He is such an amazing child. He is one of the reasons I finally brought myself to create a blog. He says and does so many things worth writing about! He has had a hard time processing the upcoming deployment. He knows E is leaving for work but what that really means, he can’t fully grasp. His emotions have naturally run the gamut this week. I know it will be a hard adjustment so I am attempting to keep B on schedule. I know that children feel most vulnerable when their days are unpredictable. We also have encouraged him to talk about his emotions. He has learned to say “I am angry” instead of throwing a temper tantrum.
Last night B woke up sobbing uncontrollably. He continued to sob for over 30 minutes. We tried holding him tight and rocking him. We told him how much we loved him. It was heartbreaking. I know his pain. I was B’s age when my mother left us. I remember sitting at the front door and watching her drive away. I didn’t yet understand what “separation” or “divorce” meant. I would sit there each day watching and waiting for her to return. When my weekend visits with her would end, my father had to physically pry me out of her arms while I sobbed “I want my Mommy.” I remember my anxiety. As I grew older, I vowed to NEVER put my child through that. I couldn’t have predicted falling in love with a military man. I know it is vastly different than getting a divorce. E and I love each other deeply and he will come back. I have started saying “When Mommy goes away, she always comes back. When Daddy goes away, he always comes back.” At first, this didn’t register with him but today we dropped him off at preschool and he started to cling to E. I repeated the phrase and it seemed to calm him. Tonight B came up to me and looked up at me with his giant brown eyes and said “Mommy, I just want to tell you. When B goes away, he always comes back.” We hadn’t been talking about anything in particular but in that moment I felt like “Ok, I can do this single parent thing.” I know it is going to be the biggest challenge of my life. Brooks will need a lot of extra attention and Tiny Tot is at a very needy stage. S and B are waking repeatedly in the night so I will be tired.
There is so much more I want to say but my eyelids are heavy. I need to try to get some sleep while E is still here because the next 7 months are going to be tiring! I owe an update on Sweet S and his health so I promise to write that tomorrow.
Happy Valentine's Day my loves. You three are the best things in the world.
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