Always Love

I am in bed anxiously awaiting sleep and trying to properly put into words how I feel. I want to remember how grown up B seemed at 6 today as he helped me around the house and how tiny S looked as he walked hand in hand with Andrea in his PJs and rain boots.  I know it was best for them to spend the night out before this momentous occasion but since E isn't here, the house is eerily lonely and quiet.  I want to go tuck them in and kiss their sweet foreheads one more time. 

I am writing this to remember when it was just my two little men and me against the world. We have faced so much pain and separation together. They are each others best friend and worst enemy.  It is so hard to remember what it was like when it was just B now that we have S.  I don't want to forget how special the two of them are.

B, I know I am hard on you because you are the older of the two. You are so incredibly smart and possess amazing logical reasoning skills that I often find myself forgetting that you just turned 6. I apologize for giving you too much responsibility at such a small age. No matter what, you made me a Mother. You will always have a special place in my heart. My first born, curly headed, angelic baby who never entered the "terrible" anythings. Your love for legos, art, music, your brother, your friends and God make you such a wonderful littler person. I can leave the two of you with relatives knowing you will take care of your brother.  No additional children will ever dampen the love I have for you. Before S was born, I was afraid that I wouldn't have enough love in my heart for two but after S was born, I realized that my heart just grew big enough to hold you both.

S, my little boy how you have grown and improved from such a scary start. Your tiny body still fits so comfortably in my lap even though you will be 3 on Friday.  Your love for singing, dancing, and performing gives us so much joy. You hear a song once and it is yours.  You crack us up with your silliness.  You love so hard and look up to your brother.  You are his shadow and you want so much to follow him everywhere.  It has been sheer joy watching you thrive against odds and grow into a happy child.  You are as stubborn as you are kind.  You have lived but 3 years and so much of that time without your Daddy.  You are so curious about him. "Have you and Daddy been on a boat, on a plane, on a rocket ship?"  I want you to know that you will never get lost in any type of "middle child" syndrome. You are unique and loved. 

To my beloved, I could never have imagined this journey we have been on or that so much of it would be cycles of loss and redemption.  I feel so blessed to be able to live this life with you. My heart is broken for you that you cannot witness this miracle that will take place but know that you are right here with me. I will close my eyes and imagine you standing there, giving me strength.  You have been such a huge support even thousands of miles away. I could not have made up a better spouse. I feel so lucky to have your love. You are an amazing husband and father. So many people seem to be good at one or the other but you have mastered both. 

One day we will look back on this time and it will be a hazy memory. We will have banked more time together than apart and sadness will be a thing of the past.  Wherever you are out there, I pray you are safe. I pray we get to speak tomorrow so I can share with you yet another miracle.

Always love

Tomorrow will be better.

I just sat on a truck and as I got up to figure out what was painfully attacking my bum, I stepped on a Lego. My almost 3 year old is crying because I had to close his door. He was babbling on and keeping the almost 6 year old awake. I made this decision so we all can get sleep. It breaks my heart that he is sad but I know it is in his best interest.

I just decided to run a bath because it is one of the "Calgon Take Me Away" kinda days. However, there is a wedding veil in my sink. Yes, a wedding veil. Not the one I walked down the aisle in but the one I wore as I danced the night away. Why is it in my sink? Said 2 year old got it out earlier this week to play with it and then promptly found a way to dump a chocolate milkshake on it. Tonight, I spent 30 minutes precariously balancing on a stool with a broom in my hand in an attempt to retrieve a Beanie Baby puppy from the top of a bookshelf. This puppy was replaced just a day ago and the little one already had a mishap but wouldn't go to bed without him!

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

All this nonsense, this minutiae of life is the starch and fat that holds this family body together. When we look back, the meat of the body is what we remember births, graduations, proud days...I know these are there but I am choosing to revel in the not so perfect days of summer this year.

In less than a week, I will have another new life added to this family. With all the stubbing of toes and dirty laundry, you probably think I am crazy...and you are probably right. My life is about to get infinitely more complicated and for some reason I am so excited I can barely sit still.

These little men remind me daily of my worth. When my presence is the only one required for a date to watch Bubble Guppies or my comforting touch soothes one of them back to sleep after a nightmare, I have instant gratification that this mother thing is working. They know they are loved and they can count on me.

A few months back, I was having a really hard time parenting. I was frustrated and annoyed all the time and thought I didn't like my boys anymore.  Now looking back I realize that I was just in the throws of a pregnancy and I was doing it alone. My husband has been deployed this entire pregnancy and I have been the sole care giver of our two special boys. How I thought things were supposed to be sunshine and lollipops is beyond me. Of course I was tired, I was directly responsible for growing a human and keeping 3 others alive all while making it on time to school, finishing homework art projects, directing children's choir, and running a business.  Now it seems so clear but sometimes when you are in it, it is murky and you fee like a failure. 

Sure, there is laundry EVERYWHERE..I think I found one of Tiny Tot's "panties' ahem underwear by the fridge today..who knows why? Yes, I need to run the dishwasher and take the trash out.  I have Scentsy bars all over my living room floor because I got a new shipment of Bring Back My Bars in and the boys wanted to have their own party tonight.  But, there are Popsicles in the freezer and two little ones snug in their beds. There will be music lessons tomorrow and play dates with their favorite sitter. I will attack the house and get it spotless just in time for them to destroy it again. This cycle is my life. I chose it. I shall be happy in it