You know what they say about Karma..

"Moon River Swan" courtesy of Google Images

Well other than calling her quite the provocative name, she does exist.
20 years ago tomorrow I experienced a life changing event.
Most birthdays it doesn't occur to me. I celebrate happily with friends and family blissfully unaware of the other anniversary in my life.  I am not sure why this year it has crept up on me. I don't need to process it, I have long past put away the pain that accompanied it. I have grown into somewhat of an adult though I still get a thrill out of playing with my child.  I have had many years of therapeutic healing to bring me to this point of happiness. However, as I stand here on the eve of my 35th birthday it is almost like looking at the thresh hold of where past meets future. One birthday, a long time ago, partially led me to where I am today. I will not cry out or wallow in any form of self pity. Tomorrow is a celebration of life. However, don't ever test the fiery goddess. She is fierce and unforgiving. She bites back twice as hard with the venom of a 1000 poisonous snakes. She will sink those who steal innocence. They pay in spades.

There's a letter on the desktop, I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever of the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams.

The Mississippi's mighty, but it starts in Minnesota
At a place where you could walk across with five steps down
And I guess that's how you started, like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me and I start to drown

And there's not enough room in the world for my pain
Signals crossed and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain
Of all my demons spirits I need you the most,
I'm in love with your ghost.
I'm in love with your ghost.

Dark and dangerous like a secret, get's whispered in a hush (Don't tell a soul)
When I wake the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush (Don't tell a soul)
When you kiss me like a lover then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river play your memory like the piper

And I feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me
But I don't walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity I've never been this close
I'm in love with your ghost.

Unknowing captor, you'll never know how much you
pierce my spirit but I can't touch you
Can you hear it a cry to be free
But I'm forever under lock and key
As you pass through me.

Now I see your face before me; I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my Island as the sand beneath me slips
I burn up in your presence and I know now how it feels
To be weakened like Achilles with you alway sat my heals.

And the bitter pill to swallow is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I can't swim free the river is too deep
Though I'm baptized by your touch I am no worse than most
in love with your ghost.

This Indigo Girls song used to be my outlet. I am so thankful that there is no ghost in my life anymore. I am thankful that I have a husband that loves me and makes me feel whole. I am thankful that I kept a promise to a scared little girl. It might have taken years to fulfill but we did it. So, I can truly say to that scared 15 year old: No matter how many memorials or scholarships or things that exist, I knew the truth and it didn't destroy me. I am successful, happy, and loved.

And to those of you out there who are less than honest or sacrifice innocence to further your own agendas, just know that Karma is out there. She is watching. She always remembers so that we, the innocents, can forget.

9 months Milestone

Today has been crazy busy so I don't have the time to write a proper post but I promise to remedy that this week. 

9 months ago you came into this world.

Today you are 14 pounds 8 ounces.

You are 26 inches long (this could be off because I didn't officially measure you today). 

You have a good helping of red hair growing on your tiny head.

You are eating solid food that I make you. You love avocados, all variety of squash, applesauce, bananas, and peas.  You constantly reach for any food that I am attempting to eat. 

You roll over back to front and front to back. 

You aren't sitting up yet and that frustrates you.  You are so busy and want to move but haven't figured out how to crawl or scoot. Once you master the tripod and sitting up, I think it will get easier on you. Mama is in no hurry for you to be on the move. You are full of spunk and let us know when you need something. 

You started full on grunting this month. Cousin Megan calls you her Baby Rhino when you make that silly sound.

You started cooing and babbling finally.  You just started mimicking speech sounds. You will say "ah ah" and then if we copy you, you repeat it back to us.  It is the closest thing to verbal communication we have with you. B loves it and tries to get you to "talk" to him all the time. 

You just entered the stage of Stranger Anxiety. This is not easy to deal with now that Daddy is away. You do like to hold other people's hands while I hold you. It truly is endearing. 

You HATE baths.  I have adjusted the temperature and even tried having B hold you in shallow water. You loathe it. This is new. You had no problem with them before. 

You are such an individual. Before you were born, I used to say that I knew all babies were different and what worked with B might not work with you.  Boy, was I right!

You love your swing for naps. B hated the swing.

You love the Exercauser and get more use out of it in the month you have had it than B did his entire babyhood.

You hate baths, B loved them. 

You LOVE green babyfood. B did not.

You get super distracted while nursing.  Nothing could interrupt B's latch once he got going.

You kick harder than any other baby I have ever known. 

You squeal/scream. B was a quiet baby.

You reach for the spoon and sometimes swat its contents all over the place. B hates getting messy while eating and did as a baby. 

I LOVE that you are different. I love both of you so much but I am glad that you are already totally unique individuals. My heart has equal love for both of you. I cannot measure where one love ends and the other begins. 

You have an ENT now and will get tubes the next time you get an ear infection. We see him once a month. We see your Pulmonologist every 3 months now. We still see the NICU doctors and Neurologists every three months in addition to your well baby Ped., visits.You still have a herniated navel and left side. We are still holding out that things will close on their own.  

We have a few more hoops to jump through until we feel like we are completely out of the woods but you have come so far. You may not seem miraculous to those on the outside but to our small family, you are our miracle boy. 

We love you Whimsy Baby.

March for Babies-Team Whimsy Fundraiser!

Warmer of the Month-Baby's Breath
http://whimsy.scentsy.us

March for Babies Scentsy Fundraiser: Team Whimsy
We are walking for Baby S. We are raising money in his honor to help the March of Dimes' efforts to fund research for premature babies. 


Why Wickless? 
One of the many things my husband and I have in common is our love of candles.  We both have strong sensory memories attached to certain scents and more often than not you would find a candle burning in at least one room of our home daily. So what changed?  2010 was a tumultuous year filled with multiple highs and lows.  After two losses and a pregnancy laden with complications, we welcomed our 2nd son into the world at 34 weeks.  Our combined hospital stay totaled over 10 weeks and welcoming him home was one of the most amazing days of our lives. His birth and struggles renewed our faith in God and each other. He carved a place in all of our hearts.  He has struggled with some health issues but never ceases to amaze us with his strength and ability to adapt and thrive.  His respiratory and pulmonary systems were compromised due to both his prematurity and the life saving measures that the brave members of our medical team performed on his tiny body.


So, when our Whimsical boy came home, the candles had to go.  Have you looked at the black residue that lines the glass after a candle has burned for a while? Do you know that traditional candles produce soot, dirt, and lead compromising the quality of air in your home? I didn't either.


Do you suffer from asthma, migraines, or allergies?  Do you know that traditional candles and air fresheners complicate these health problems?  Sure, the amount of soot and lead might be minimal for most people but to a child with compromised lungs or asthma they can be lethal.  After researching and consulting with his team of specialists including his Pulmonologist, Neurologist, and Pediatrician, I learned that a wickless low residue product was a viable option for our family.  Scentsy uses food grade parafin wax infused with oil to give off fragrance.  The wax is wickless and never comes in contact with the heat source so there is no smoke, soot, or lead released into the air.

Giving Back:
While hospitalized this summer, I thought a lot about others who had it worse than I. I knew my condition was serious and potentially life threatening but I also knew there were many others out there with worse medical issues.  When our Whimsical boy was born, I would sit in the NICU surrounded by the tiniest of miracles and know how blessed I was.  Just 8 months prior, I had entered Labor and Delivery but gone home with empty arms.  I vowed to find a way to raise money to help others encountering the NICU and children who would over the years be more familiar with hospitals than their own schools.


We are walking in the March of Dimes-March for Babies walk in honor of baby S. You can help by donating directly to the Team Whimsy page on the March for Babies website or order from the Scentsy Fundraiser at http://whimsy.scentsy.us

Good Morning in the house among Boys.

"um Mr. Mommy, you can be the super motorcycle guy and I will be the super speeder."

Then Tiny Tot bites down while he is nursing. "Ouch!"

"He don'ts want to drink, Mama. He wants to bite you. Can I bite you gen-Til-Ly?"
"No, I don't want either of you to bite me." I say.
"Well, I guess that will have to do. Time to make the breakfast. I'll have Orange Juice." The Boy Wonder says running off to become "Hat Ranger."
Oh, you don't know what a Hat Ranger is? "They are the guys that are nice and if there is a nice bug in trouble, they will help them." He says while twirling his red cowboy hat.

Today is going to be an interesting one.

Suitcases

Google Images

The suitcase is in the living room again. No matter how many times I do this, it never gets easier. Suitcases are supposed to evoke excitement.  Suitcases have always had the opposite effect on me.  They have always meant separation not relaxation.  From the time I was gifted my own tiny blue suitcase for visitations with my mother, suitcases started to be associated with pain, separation, and loss. Most people get suitcases out to travel together, to explore something new, to get a tan and rejuvenate. Not here.

The suitcases are in the living room again but only one is going.

Sometimes I imagine that our suitcases are animate. She watches her husband get selected to come downstairs to go on some journey each time the attic door opens.  She rarely gets picked. I hope I haven't given her a complex. I often think I'll take a vacation. I'll take a week or two and go traveling, have some "me" time, leave the kids with Hubs. Then I snap back to the reality of knowing that so much of our time is spent apart, that it would be too difficult to voluntarily separate for a vacation.  So, the female counterpart, the untraveled, will have to keep waiting until a time when we both can get away.  Surely, when her husband returns tired to the bone, weary from the troubles he has seen, overwrought with the joy of the surroundings from home and her warm embrace, she understands that he isn't going on a luxurious vacation even if it feels that way to the one he leaves behind.

Travel safe, dear men. We'll keep the home fires burning.

Who's Your Person?

Courtesy of Photobucket

I'm on my knees
only memories 
are left for me to hold

Don't know how 
but Ill get by 
Slowly pull myself together 

There's no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily 
Fill this empty space 
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace


The first time I heard "Grace" by Kate Havnevik was May 15, 2006. I was sitting on my best friend's couch. We had a ritual. I lived 7 doors up the street and each Sunday night, we got together and ate dinner and watched Grey's Anatomy together. There were so many striking parallels between the characters and our real lives that it sometimes took my breath away.  It is why I call one of the whitest girls on the planet, "Yang" why Hubs is "McDreamy" and I am "Mer."  The plot lines and similarities never ceased to freak us out week after week. The music from the show moved me more times than not to tears. In a weird way, Grey's Anatomy helped me process many painful events in real life by having an outlet each week in which to evoke an emotional catharsis.  We were invested in the show. We never missed an episode. When they made references, however subtle, to past characters or events Yang and I got it.  We have experienced a multitude of highs and lows throughout the show's 7 seasons.  She is still "My Person."


Tonight's Musical episode received mixed reviews from both the professional critics and the Facebook peanut gallery.  I am not afraid to say that Hubs and I loved it. It had a feeling of nostalgia. Although, McDreamy and I are married now and sadly don't watch Grey's with Yang anymore, tonight it was as if we were all still back in her living room.  From the second Callie sang a few bars of Psapp's "Cosy in the Rocket", the show's original theme song, I knew we were in for a roller coaster ride through the past emotional moments in Grey's history.  True fans would have recognized the references.  Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" was first used during the Season 2 Finale. Issie gives a devastatingly painful monologue about how Denny had proposed to her before she left to get dressed for the dance. 


"Grace" is also from that episode and made an appearance on tonight's show.  That song floors me every time I hear it.  Not only does it remind me of the moment in Grey's history when Meredith and Derek finally quit dancing around their chemistry and connect and the last moment we see Issie with her innocence completely in tact, but also a time of tragedy in our lives. 


I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change 


I cannot hear that song without feeling the cold grass under my feet, the warm tears on my face, as I sobbed in our backyard in the middle of the night. The day we learned our baby had died. The night before I was to walk into Labor and Delivery and come home empty handed. I sang this song and used it to process and fight to the surface of the emotions in which I was drowning. We don't talk about her. We don't let others know how much we miss her. We focus on the blessings that are here with us most days until something reminds us of that pain. Tonight was no exception. 


Nothing comes easily 
Fill this empty space 
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily 
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything 
I just want to feel your embrace


Of course, the pain is lessened by the joy we get from the Tiny Tot. Time did put some distance between me and that puddle of grief, shell of a woman, that wouldn't  couldn't come inside.  Hubs said all the right things and in true McDreamy form picked up that puddle and held me til the warmth returned.  Tonight reminded me how lucky I am to have "My person."  She has been there my entire life, we even have the Preschool class picture to prove it.  As Meredith says to Yang: 

Meredith: If I'm going to do this, and be whole and healthy and be a warm, gooey person who lives with a boy... then I need you on board. I need you to cheer me on. Because you're the only one who knows me. Darkly. Really knows me. I need you to pretend that I can do this even if you don't believe. Because if you abandon me now, I will never make it, and I will never get my happy ending and that's just...
Cristina: Life.
Meredith: I'm saying please here.

---

Cristina: Mer, why do you care what I think?
Meredith: Because you're my person

The greatest thing about Yang and Mer's relationship is that they get each other. The don't have to explain or apologize for their actions. They don't have to spend hours examining their emotions or discussing painful experiences. Although, we are both blissfully happy in our stage of life sometimes I miss sitting on her couch attempting to process life as it sped full force into my face.  We no longer live 7 houses away from each other but are still within driving distance. I know inherently that she is always just a phone call, text, drive away.  I firmly believe it will be this way until we are pushing around the oxygen tanks because after all it is hard being "Dark and Twisty" by myself.